Update and Then a Pause from Writing....

Well, it is time for me to end my cancer recovery and go back full force to life.  I have been blessed to be employed by a company with amazing health benefits.  The last day I worked was March 2nd.  That is a whole 6 months(very luckily paid) spent at home recovering from surgery and chemotherapy.  It amazes me how much strength I have gotten back in the last month.  It also amazes me how I am not 100% my old self.  Hopefully, the iron infusion I received a few weeks ago will help give me more energy than I have now.  Do not get me wrong, I have spent the last 2 weeks doing more than ever.  I am back to all housework and parenting responsibilities.  I no longer have to have naps or take breaks to get my energy back....that is so great to me.  I have started walking, about 30-40 minutes at a time.  I try to walk at least 4 days a week.  The only thing holding me back are my feet.  My poor feet have had the brunt of side effects from the chemo.  I am slowly and painfully loosing my large toenail.  I have also had issues walking since I started the Taxol.  I love being out in nature, taking time to relax and working to get my strength back.  I pay for it by hobbling for a day or so and having a lot of pain.  But, I realize that the walking is helping and I am going a little further for a little longer each time.  It remains to be seen how much standing on my feet at work for hours at a time will affect me.  I look forward to finding out.

I am a worker.  I have worked for the same company for 19 years.  I started as a tech and now I am a pharmacist.  I love my co-workers...they are my friends and family before anything else.  I miss the times laughing and crying with them.  I am as ready as I will ever be to start back to work.  I do not think my energy or mental capacity will be a problem...just my feet.  By going back to work, my life is back to what it was before my diagnosis.  It seems I have come full circle.  I never thought I would get to this point....these last 7 months since the diagnosis of breast cancer are all a blur.  I have missed so much.  That is OK.  I will gladly have missed 6 months of my normal life to have years of  life and activities ahead of me.

Just two little blips before I can put cancer behind me.  I have my breast implant surgery September 20th.  This will be the last big physical hurdle I have facing me.  My doctor says this will seem like nothing compared to the mastectomy.  I will be so glad to have these tissue expanders out of my chest.  They no longer hurt me but are not natural to feel in my body.  Luckily, I have vacation that week of surgery so I have more than enough time to recover.  The second hurdle will be another MRI in November, the week before Thanksgiving.  This will be my second test to verify that I am still cancer free.  Otherwise, I embrace a normal and boring life.  Being a mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and pharmacist...that is me.  I am better at all of these responsibilities without cancer. 

Cancer has tough me a lot.  I do not want to give cancer credit for anything. But instead of focusing on the negative effects of breast cancer I would prefer to think on the positives.   Because of cancer, I have experienced more love, compassion, friendship, faith, and hope than I ever thought possible.  I realized what a lucky person I was to have the family, friends, job, and co-workers I have.  The support and love felt from my family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and strangers is an amazing blessing.  I will never be able to repay some of the people who have helped and loved me the most. Their unselfish sacrifices helped me to live and fight.   All I can do is love these people back the best way possible.   Just remember, their is light at the end of the tunnel.  I hope and pray no one ever has to experience cancer for themselves or a loved one.  Unfortunately, I know that not to be true.  It amazes me every time I go to my oncologist how many people have cancer...it is so sad.  I was lucky.   So many others will not be. 

I am taking a break from the blog, at least I think I am .  I hope to not have any more bad things to report on this page.  I will now use it for updates only.  Thank you for following me.  It was very therapeutic to have an outlet to vent feelings and thoughts.  Your support will be with me forever.  I hope I never have to face another cancer diagnosis.  There is always a possibility.  Cancer has marked me but not beat me.  That is the important lesson.  I love you all.

Jennifer

Raise Your Glass and Celebrate!!!!!

Wow, it has been a busy 3 weeks since I finished my chemotherapy.(  I just LOVE saying that.)  The first couple of weeks was rough....exhaustion, pain, extreme neuropathy.  Slowly, I can tell a difference in my physical ability.  Walking is still very hard.  BUT, that did not stop me from an amazing family vacation last week to St. Louis and Chicago.  A lot of walking was involved, and I survived.  I was slow and spent a lot of time in bed at night, but I managed to walk the St Louis zoo and then all over Chicago with the boys.  I missed nothing.  This time last year we would have done so much more, but I am so happy for being able to participate and for what we did do. 

So now I sit at the computer with a glass of wine and good chocolate to celebrate with all of my loyal and loving followers.  Today was a BIG day for me....I had a PET scan to determine if the chemotherapy worked it's magic and if I was cancer free or had other cancers forming elsewhere.  I have been very nervous and upset about this test.  I just could not accept any answer other that I was CANCER FREE.  Lucky for me, that is exactly what my doctor told me.  The PET scan came back clear and good.  Add that to the fact that my mastectomy was successful in eradicating all the cancer cells in my  breast makes me ONE HEALTHY WOMAN WITH NO CANCER!!!!!!

I am not out of the woods yet, but I am in a very happy place right now.  I will go back in 4 months for another recheck.  The first five years post chemo are my highest likely hood of another cancer forming so I have to be checked several times a year.  Knowing this test came back clear gives me such hope for a future without cancer.  It is hard to imagine yet amazing to be at this point.  This has been the hardest year of my life.  I only have uphill to go from here and I look forward to that.  Now I have to get more strength back to get ready to go back to work.  That will really help to put some normalcy back in my life. 

I am so very lucky to have the friends and family I have.  Every one's thoughts, prayers, cards, gifts, calls, meals, and support has meant so much.  I realize just how lucky I am to have such amazing people in my life.  I definitely could not have made it to the CANCER FREE point without all of you.  I plan on having one huge celebration this weekend with my friends...first for birthdays, then for this great news.  I am lucky for every day I have, and I do not want to waste any of them.  I have a lot of life left in me and a lot of things to accomplish in the many decades I still plan on being around.  So, take a moment and celebrate life.  It means so much.  I raise a glass to all of you for your love, understanding, patience, and caring.  Thank you from me and my family.  I am so happy knowing I have time now to see my boys grow and change.  That is truly a blessing.

Happy Birthday to Me---36 and Cancer Free!!!!

I am a huge celebrator of birthdays.  Always have been.  I actually have a birthday week dedicated to multiple celebrations of my birthday every year.  Tim hates it...he is not a huge fan of birthdays.  But, I was raised to celebrate the day I was born in a big way.  This year's birthday is even more special. This year it starts cancer free.  No more chemotherapy and just one more surgery in a few months to look forward to.  I would like to say I got my present early the day I finished chemotherapy.  Unfortunately, cancer still looms large in my life.  No matter, I am still celebrating starting fresh.  A new year, a new age with no cancer.

I now will crave birthdays because they will symbolize another successful year cancer-free.  I am so ready to put all the pain and battle of breast cancer behind me and move on with my life.  In my mind, I will be able to do that more effectively next week.  July 20th I have my PET scan.  This is to determine if any new cancer growths are anywhere else in my body.  Until I finish this test, I still wonder and worry.  I am confident the results will come back cancer free.  I just want the proof before I shout it from the rooftops.

I started my celebration yesterday with my yearly dinner with my pharmacy girls--Diane, Jennifer, and Elisha.  Dinner and celebrations at the Melting Pot.  I love when we get together.  It is a double birthday celebration, as Diane's birthday is the day after mine.  July is just one big party.  Our big double birthday party will be July 23rd on the Betty Bus, surrounded by friends of our present and past.  I am resting up for this big party.  I can not wait to see some old friends, and I definitely do not want to slow down the party.  Tomorrow we have dinner plans downtown(without children--WOW) with friends and family.  I also share my actual birthday with a dear friend, Gena Evans.  We have made it tradition to celebrate together.  Adult couples going out for dinner downtown.  Sounds like a great way to end my birthday tomorrow. 

Tomorrow is a celebration.  I have made it to a glorious 36 years of age.  Last year was the worst ever so I have big expectations to number 36.  Change as well as some normalcy is the theme for this year.  I want my life back, but with personal improvements and challenges.  Every year, actually every day is precious.  I celebrate them all and plan on many, many more.  Thank you all for sharing your life with me.  Your love, support, and concern have truly warmed my soul.  I am so very blessed. to be starting new, with  friends and family by my side.  I will only get stronger--mentally, physically, and emotionally.  

Week by week I am slowly seeing progress.  I have very uncomfortable neuropathy that I have been battling for months since the Taxol.  Slowly, it is getting worse and not better.  I finally broke down and called the doctor.  Great news, it only gets worse before it gets better.  I am looking at about 3-6 months for my body to fight with neuropathy.  It severely affects my ability to walk.  It also makes me break down in tears with each flair up. I find myself only comfortable in bed, definitely no walking.  Hard to get back on your feet when they hurt so bad.  I will start some medicine to help with the neuropathy as well as a good old anti-depressant because it has become obvious I need one.  No shame in getting the help I have been avoiding for a while.  Hopefully, these 2 new therapies will help me overcome my cancer recovery much faster. 

So, Happy Birthday to Me!!!  I am 36 and proud of every day.  I await thousands of more days ahead.  Until then, I am enjoying my time with Tim this week while he is on vacation.  We are planning on a short trip to St. Louis and then Chicago for a few days.  I plan on enjoying this time as a family as much as possible.  Every week I get a little stronger.  I can not wait until the time in my 36th year when I am there---back to normal with no lingering effects from the drugs.  I know it is coming soon and look so forward to that.  So, I wish myself and everyone else out there a happy, healthy birthday full of love and friends.

On The Eve Of My LAST Chemo----YEAH and AMEN!!!!

So, I have done it.  This time tomorrow I will be FINISHED with all 8 of my chemo therapies.  It seems to have taken forever to get to say that.  There are no words to describe just how excited and happy I am to have made this milestone.  Trust me, 8 doses of toxic drugs in your system every two weeks is NOT EASY!!!!  I can appreciate that so much more now. 

First, thank you to EVERYONE for EVERYTHING that was done for me and my family.  I have learned the true meaning of love and friendship from so many people.  Some people which I do not know all that well.  The prayers, cards, food, gifts, flowers,transportation, personal time, use of personal computer equipment...the list goes on and on.  I am humbled beyond expression....that means a lot from the woman with a lot of words. 

I start my day tomorrow with a manicure because this one is definitely earned.  Who knows, I might just do pink(and I HATE the color pink).  Then my quest at the oncologist begins at 10.  And you can trust me when I say that I will not be leaving the doctor tomorrow without my last chemo completed.  Tomorrow I am probably going to be a very vocal patient at my doctors office for many reasons.  Either way, a major and important milestone has been met.  I will pray during my entire infusion tomorrow that if any cancer cells did break off that they were all beaten by this chemo.  I will not accept that this series of treatments did not work and face another cancer later.  I WILL NOT GIVE UP...EVER!!!!!

Thank you God for the strength to get this far as well as the love that was needed to do it.  Hopefully, most of the tears from hear on out will be of joy.  Talk soon after I am done.

Counting Down the Days---Just 8 To Go!!!

I find it hard to believe that I only have ONE MORE CHEMOTHERAPY WAITING FOR ME!!!!!  It seems to me I have been fighting cancer and having treatments a lot longer than 4 months.  This cancer has taken over my life completely, and it seems I have always had it.  Tim saw a picture of me at work and said how beautiful I was.  Well, I reminded him that picture was taken when I was 26 before he or our two children and cancer existed.  Of course I looked beautiful....life had not kicked me in the butt yet.  So now I have a goal.  No, I can not look like I did at 26 but I can try to come close.  I just need to find the energy to get back to ME! 

They have books for parents....the "What to Expect..." series.  It helps parents understand their pregnancy, then the first year of life.  I even think they have a toddler version now.  I need a "What to Expect When You Finish Chemotherapy" book.  I could have even appreciated the "What to Expect When You Have Chemotherapy", but now I am almost finished with that road.  I have 8 more days of Chemo #7 to surprise me with side affects then the last bang.  I just have been so focused on these treatments and how they have physically, mentally, and emotionally depleted me that I have not thought much ahead to the after.  That is so not like me.   I am a planner, big time.  Now as I sit at home alone with nothing but time these last few days, I am beginning to wonder just how much uphill I have to face yet.

Pressure...I put plenty of it on me without outside help.  There are some people(not me) who think with the last drop of Taxol in my blood next Wednesday I will be better.  I will have no more toxic drugs affecting me and my body so back to it I should go.  Well, I know that will not happen. These drugs will still be in my system, I just don't know how long.   I just wonder at what point will my body begin to heal and I along with it.  I so want to not be breathing heavy just because I climbed a flight of stairs.  I want to not have to rest and plan how to expend my energy because I only have so much.  I WANT TO BE ABLE TO WALK LONGER THAT 5 MINUTES AND NOT LIMP OR BE IN PAIN.  In other words, I do want my 26 year old self back.  Just, how do I do that.  How long will it take for me to function like I did before March 5, 2011??    I do not have to go back to work until September 5th.  That gives me 2 months to rest, heal, and hope for a better physical me.  Is that enough time?  Or am I still going to be feeling effects of drugs from months ago?  That thought scares me so much.

Today is the ribbon cutting ceremony at my place of employment for the grand re-opening after a remodel of almost 2 years.  I plan on being there.  Not in a work capacity, Tim gets to do that.  I plan on being there as a customer and as an almost 19 year employee.  I will see my co-workers and enjoy their company for a while.  I will see a lot of Tim's co-workers as well as bosses(he has a lot).  Some people have not seen me since I went in hiding in March.  Others have.  Either way, I will be there and stay as long as I can.  My plan is to rest today and stay off my feet so I can walk and socialize tonight.  I never would have thought I would have to plan my days of physical activity.  So sad.  But, I am almost done and can not wait.  I will accept whatever the physical future holds, and push as much as possible to get back what I once had.  Who knows, maybe I will write that "What to Expect After Chemotherapy" book anyway......

Disappointment!!!!

Today was to be my next to last chemo.  I could actually say I was excited at the prospect of this infusion being finished and having only ONE MORE TO GO!!  Of  course, I learned a long time ago that any decent plan can go to crap in a short time frame.  This can also be said of any medical treatment.  I have not written because overall I have felt good and wanted to maintain the positive vibe from the last post.  I have exhaustion, fever, chills, leg pains, and neuropathy(especially of the feet).  Those are my major symptoms.  My new medication for the cough and or gag cough has really helped to suppress any episodes of vomit....just one this last two week session.  I can live with these things.  I space out my energy to maximize it's usefulness and try to rest as much as I can.  Including keeping my feet off the ground.

Anyway, today was chemo #7 of 8.  I am ready for my 35th year of life to be over and this portion of cancer treatment to be completed.  I was ready to get this under my belt.  Again, my girlfriend Jennifer Cooper was my driver and dedicated support system for the day.  She has sacrificed so much to come and sit with me during these chemos.  I am eternally grateful for her as my friend, and the relationship we have.  She has done so much to support me and my family during this time.  I will be forever grateful and love her until my last breath.  But, not to get off topic, we get to the doctor at 11:30.  The parking lot and waiting room are packed. Bad sign....swallow first Lorazepam for nerves.  We wait and then I am called back for my blood work.  I get the same girl who one month ago took over 30 minutes to access my port.  Well, today was the same.  I smile.  I only have to do this for chemo ONE MORE TIME.  Then I find Jen in the very full second waiting room.  After an hour of waiting here, we are ready to eat.  So, I call my girls at work.  Amy does not disappoint.  Fresh Milano's....stromboli and garlic knots.  We still have not seen the doctor and our food is here........what to do.  Eat the garlic knots and Bam...we get called back.  And we wait....wait....wait...wait.  We finally eat the stromboli and now I am on the computer checking my files.  WHAT???  They were open for public viewing.  I now knew my labs were good for chemo #7.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.....do I hear something.  Why yes.  It is Marcus, Dr. Tauer's FNP going over my chart with a NEW PERSON.  Well, now I know why we have been waiting so long.  Here comes the new hire FNP asking questions, going over labs, blah, blah, blah.  All looks good, Marcus will see you soon.   WHAT????  It is now 3:30.  I have been here 4 hours and still face a 4 hour infusion.  Really!?!?!?

So, now I have permission to go to the chemotherapy infusion waiting area....to wait.  And here comes my infusion nurse.  Not good.  So, she says as I am laughing hysterically, I have talked it over with the late infusion nurse and our supervisor and we feel it will be better if you come back tomorrow.  WOW!!!!  Surprise, we had to wait so long we have run out of time.  Sure, I say.  I can be a team  player.  Good says the nurse, can you come tomorrow at 7:30 AM.  Now I laugh...again.  I am usually not up at 7:30 but sure.  Why not drive from Lakeland into rush hour traffic in the morning to complete my treatment.  Team player and all.  Well, I ask, can I also get my Neulasta shot tomorrow so I don't have to come back on Friday.  Ummmm....no.  Come back Friday for that.  I AM NOT A HAPPY WOMAN.  I now have one more night to dread my chemo and extend my time until I am finished.  This just sucks.  But hey, what am I to do.  Well, I will open my mouth next time to the physician and explain some of the lacking efficiencies in his office.  If I don't tell him, he may not know.  This just bothers me...period.

So, tomorrow Tim starts the morning at 6:50 heading in to get my treatment.  One more stick.  Luckily, my neighbor came by tonight with her portable DVD player and an entire collection of TV shows for me to watch to help past time.  That put a smile on my face.  Also, we had dinner with the Evans, so tonight was good overall.  Just not what was expected.  Tomorrow, I will get my 7th of 8 chemo doses and come even closer to ending this battle.  I am ready to win and be completed.  Elisha will come and complete my infusion time with me and then we will treat our self to lunch.  Just because.  Hope all is well for my followers.  Again, thank you for your thoughts, prayers, cards, calls, and treasures. 

My Alternate Universe

I just can not turn my brain off.  I have tried watching TV, reading on my Kindle, and just laying in bed.  My brain just will not shut off.  So, here I am at 1:30 in the morning writing on my blog.  Is this what my life has become?  Surprisingly, I had no nap today(unlike the 3 I needed and took yesterday) and have been moving around most of the day.  I just knew going to sleep would be easy....NOT!!! 

Seeing as I am in such good spirits right now(really, no sarcasm), I don't mind not sleeping.  Other than Charlie will be awake in about 4-5 hours, I don't have to get up in the morning.  The boys will find me if I fall asleep upstairs....daddy takes too long to wake up for them.  They just give up and search the house for me.  We have lunch plans with friends at 11 then hoping to visit dad to watch the boys have fun at the pool.  If the lack of sleep and heat don't get me, I will have had one of my best weekends in a while.  It was while I was in bed and my mind was going that I had the thought of what a great place I am in now....

I play this thought in my head of my life in this cancer, surgery, chemotherapy world against what I would be doing in my alternate universe(i.e. my life before cancer) right now.  Funnily enough, for once these two worlds are on the same path.  I feel about 80% of my old self, and considering it seems like it has been months that I can say that, 80% feels like 100%.  So, if I did not have cancer right now and was not on short term disability, I would be starting my vacation week with my husband.  Tim is on vacation.  I am over the moon with excitement about this.  This will be the first week we have had together since before 2-8-11 when I was diagnosed and my world changed.  And our plans for this week would not be any different now as in my alternate universe.  I can stay up because I am on vacation and can sleep late.  Parker will have kindergarten camp at Lakeland Elementary this week every day from 9-12:30.  Pearce will have day care Monday through Wednesday.  So, that means Tim and I will get time to ourselves while the kids are at school.  We can do whatever we want.  We also will get some one-on-one time with both Parker and Pearce.  If I continue to feel more normal than sick I can almost forget for one week that I have cancer.  All of these multiple scenarios keep me awake, but for me they are all positives. 

So now I pray and stay positive hoping that the exhaustion, neuropathy, and pain stay away.  Knock on wood, this is the first week in 12 weeks that I have not had to vomit.  I am living my alternate universe right now as much as possible and loving it.  Someones prayers are working for me and I thank you for that....