Well, I can finally lift my head off my pillow. It amazed me how much chemo, and the meds that you are given to fight off chemo, wipes a girl out. I never threw up....YEH!!! Basically, I feel exactly like I did when I was pregnant. Nothing tastes or smells good. The doctors say drink as much fluid as possible to flush the chemo out....yeah right. I could barely tolerate enough to drink down my pills, much less a whole lot more. I know it could be worse, and it might get worse as I go on. But as I can finally get out and feel closer to myself, I am glad to have round 1 completed.
Since I felt like crap, physically and emotionallly, I decided not to blog for a few days. Trying to keep the negative down to a minimum. I am happy to have ZERO doctors appointments this week. The rest of the week can be free time. I am thankful to still have the support of my family and friends. I do not know how others do it that don't have the support I do. The most housework I have done is laundry, and that is only when my mother-in-law is out of town. She does laundry faster than me. I am still on leave from work. My sister, mom, and mother-in-law have pretty much had the run of the land with my boys. I told Parker that I hope to be fun again soon. I find it sad that it is a treat for them to have me pick them up from school. My how priorities can change in a month. Now if I could only get over the discomfort of these bricks, I mean tissue expanders, in my chest. Then I could really feel like myself.
I still have my hair....have not shaved the feminine mustache because I am waiting for that hair to fall out. Watch, I will have not a stitch of hair on my entire body but a mustache to rival any man. Oh well, to repeat my new phrase...it could alwasy be worse. Will talk to everyone soon, and with a much more positive outlook. Sorry, cancer sucks. I knew chemo and I would not be good friends. Chemo is my necessity for survival so I tolerate it. I now know what to expect so hopefully it will not get me as upset next time. Thanks for all the prayers, notes, texts, calls, and thoughts. They really do mean a lot.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Die, Cancer Cells, Die....Chemo Round 1
It is hard to believe that 3 weeks ago today I had my mastectomy. I am still sore and tight but much better than I anticipated. My doctor cleared me to drive, that makes me and my boys happy. I can not drive for very long before I get uncomfortable, but it feels freeing to be in control of my transportation.
This has been a very rough week. My best friend's father died unexpectedly. He was such an amazing man and his sudden death is very sobering. I have witnessed too much death this year...all unnecessary or unexplainable. It hurt me that I could not comfort those who needed it because I have to take care of myself first. I know she understands that....the last thing she could tolerate would be me in a hospital bed. But as I have said before, I like to help and care for those I love. Being physically limited in this capacity angers me. The look of fear in Parker's eyes when I say I am going to the doctor angers me. I guess the anger stage of cancer is rearing its ugly head. I will not let it affect my fighting attitude. I am a firm believer that a positive outlook goes a long way.
On that note, I started the first steps of killing any cancer cells still left in my body. I no longer have breast cancer...that was surgically removed three weeks ago with my breast tissue and lymph nodes. I am fighting now against the triple negative aggressive cancer cells that might have already broken off from that original tumor and are living in my cells now. For that, modern science has chemo. Thursday every 2 weeks is my chemo schedule. I was totally unprepared yesterday for the process....I will not be that way next time. I have a baseline of my blood counts to compare how much the chemo combo I am on will affect me. I just got back from getting my Neulasta shot today. That is given to help keep my white count up so I can continue my chemo every 2 weeks instead of every 3 weeks. The room where I received my chemo was bright with views looking over a pond and trees in full bloom for spring. Of course, I am surrounded by other patients also getting their treatment but luckily it was not too crowded. They keep the chemo room so cold...I was glad to have gotten a blanket sent to me by my friend Becca especially for this reason. It comforts me to know I am loved and have the warmth of those thoughts surround me. I was there for only 2 hours, less that I thought. I got a steroid and two drugs to prevent nausea. Then I was given my Cytoxin and Adriamycin over 45 minutes and then I was done. Immediately, my nose and eyes burned but not for long. I was happy to be done with this first round.
So, what does any girl do who has accomplished something??? Well, if it is me, I go shopping. That is right. I did not know how long I had until I started to feel bad and was limited to home. I wanted to take advantage of the time. Tim took me to a jewelry store and I am now the proud owner of some beautiful earrings. Funny, within 1 hour of the chemo my hot flashes started. I know the clerks thought me weird as I am fanning myself nonstop when it is 50 outside. Tim and I also did a little shopping for him, since he has to go through this almost as much as me....just minus the drugs. Here is where I pushed too hard. I needed to eat, like immediately. While eating sushi and soup, boy did the nausea and dizziness set in. Medications, I could not swallow them fast enough. I never threw up, but it scared me to feel that bad in just a few hours. I was hoping to have until Saturday before I really felt anything. Just goes to show you can never plan anything without expecting those plans to change. Today, I just feel very tired. From the chemo, nausea drugs, or both.....who knows. I am told the Neulasta shot will make my joints and hips ache and hurt. More fun....luckily planning a semi-restful weekend unless I just get totally wiped out.
One session down, seven more to go. I can do this and finish until the end when I hear the words I am cancer free. Having pretty earrings to remind me of the positives does not hurt either. I am also so proud of Parker, who is learning to read with help from my mom. Every book that he reads me a word makes my heart soar. I have so much to be thankful for and I pull my strength from that. I hope everyone has a great weekend and this weather warms back up soon.
This has been a very rough week. My best friend's father died unexpectedly. He was such an amazing man and his sudden death is very sobering. I have witnessed too much death this year...all unnecessary or unexplainable. It hurt me that I could not comfort those who needed it because I have to take care of myself first. I know she understands that....the last thing she could tolerate would be me in a hospital bed. But as I have said before, I like to help and care for those I love. Being physically limited in this capacity angers me. The look of fear in Parker's eyes when I say I am going to the doctor angers me. I guess the anger stage of cancer is rearing its ugly head. I will not let it affect my fighting attitude. I am a firm believer that a positive outlook goes a long way.
On that note, I started the first steps of killing any cancer cells still left in my body. I no longer have breast cancer...that was surgically removed three weeks ago with my breast tissue and lymph nodes. I am fighting now against the triple negative aggressive cancer cells that might have already broken off from that original tumor and are living in my cells now. For that, modern science has chemo. Thursday every 2 weeks is my chemo schedule. I was totally unprepared yesterday for the process....I will not be that way next time. I have a baseline of my blood counts to compare how much the chemo combo I am on will affect me. I just got back from getting my Neulasta shot today. That is given to help keep my white count up so I can continue my chemo every 2 weeks instead of every 3 weeks. The room where I received my chemo was bright with views looking over a pond and trees in full bloom for spring. Of course, I am surrounded by other patients also getting their treatment but luckily it was not too crowded. They keep the chemo room so cold...I was glad to have gotten a blanket sent to me by my friend Becca especially for this reason. It comforts me to know I am loved and have the warmth of those thoughts surround me. I was there for only 2 hours, less that I thought. I got a steroid and two drugs to prevent nausea. Then I was given my Cytoxin and Adriamycin over 45 minutes and then I was done. Immediately, my nose and eyes burned but not for long. I was happy to be done with this first round.
So, what does any girl do who has accomplished something??? Well, if it is me, I go shopping. That is right. I did not know how long I had until I started to feel bad and was limited to home. I wanted to take advantage of the time. Tim took me to a jewelry store and I am now the proud owner of some beautiful earrings. Funny, within 1 hour of the chemo my hot flashes started. I know the clerks thought me weird as I am fanning myself nonstop when it is 50 outside. Tim and I also did a little shopping for him, since he has to go through this almost as much as me....just minus the drugs. Here is where I pushed too hard. I needed to eat, like immediately. While eating sushi and soup, boy did the nausea and dizziness set in. Medications, I could not swallow them fast enough. I never threw up, but it scared me to feel that bad in just a few hours. I was hoping to have until Saturday before I really felt anything. Just goes to show you can never plan anything without expecting those plans to change. Today, I just feel very tired. From the chemo, nausea drugs, or both.....who knows. I am told the Neulasta shot will make my joints and hips ache and hurt. More fun....luckily planning a semi-restful weekend unless I just get totally wiped out.
One session down, seven more to go. I can do this and finish until the end when I hear the words I am cancer free. Having pretty earrings to remind me of the positives does not hurt either. I am also so proud of Parker, who is learning to read with help from my mom. Every book that he reads me a word makes my heart soar. I have so much to be thankful for and I pull my strength from that. I hope everyone has a great weekend and this weather warms back up soon.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Doctors, Doctors, and More Doctors
Well, I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. So far spring has been amazing here...I am loving every minute I get to be outside. We had changing of the guards in our house over the weekend. Tim's loving, amazing, super-human mom left to go back to Alabama, and my amazing mother came in to help us out for another week. Since I start my first chemo this Thursday, we are having backup help since we don't know how I will respond. I now also know why I was given medical leave. Besides healing from my surgery, I also have so many doctors visits every week. This is CRAZY. Last week, I went to 5 doctors appointments in 3 days. Dentist, oncologist, plastic surgeon(twice), and my breast cancer surgeon. This week isn't much different. Wednesday is the only day I am not going to a doctor's office. Of course, it is early in the week....things may change and that may fill up also.
Friday, I had my last two drain tubes removed. That was so freeing to have them gone. Pearce thinks mommy is all better now because those tubes were removed. The nurse at my plastic surgeon felt pretty confident I would have to come in Monday and have fluid removed that would accumulate over the weekend. So, of course I went in today. Dr Adams(my plastic surgeon) did not think the fluid accumulation was that much so instead of draining me he decided to FILL my tissue expanders instead. Pretty exciting....I wasn't planning on having any fills for about 3 more weeks. Since I was filled some when I had my surgery, and I now have gotten a second fill, I will not go back to see Dr Adams until my chemo is complete. He doesn't want to risk me getting an infection with me getting needle sticks in his office. So now I am walking around with about 650 cc of saline in my expanders. I look like about a good "B" cup. Tomorrow, I have an ECHO done just to make sure my heart is healthy and should tolerate my chemo. Then no more doctor visits until chemo.....
I had a wonderful dinner with Tim last night at Ruth Chris steak house. I read somewhere not to eat my favorite foods too many days close to my chemo just in case I get real sick. Those foods would then probably not be my favorites any more. So nothing beats a good steak cooked in butter and creamed spinich. I also consumed my last martini for a while....it was so good. Now I am getting ready for spring athletics. Parker starts his first T-ball practice tomorrow at 5:30 followed by soccer (with Pearce) at 6:30. Full night tomorrow. I can't wait. Hopefully I will not get sick from chemo and can even make T-ball practice Saturday.....we will see. My mom has gotten the boys and is taking them to a movie, so I have a couple of quiet hours at home. Either a nap or a good book should help pass the quiet time. Talk to everyone soon.
Friday, I had my last two drain tubes removed. That was so freeing to have them gone. Pearce thinks mommy is all better now because those tubes were removed. The nurse at my plastic surgeon felt pretty confident I would have to come in Monday and have fluid removed that would accumulate over the weekend. So, of course I went in today. Dr Adams(my plastic surgeon) did not think the fluid accumulation was that much so instead of draining me he decided to FILL my tissue expanders instead. Pretty exciting....I wasn't planning on having any fills for about 3 more weeks. Since I was filled some when I had my surgery, and I now have gotten a second fill, I will not go back to see Dr Adams until my chemo is complete. He doesn't want to risk me getting an infection with me getting needle sticks in his office. So now I am walking around with about 650 cc of saline in my expanders. I look like about a good "B" cup. Tomorrow, I have an ECHO done just to make sure my heart is healthy and should tolerate my chemo. Then no more doctor visits until chemo.....
I had a wonderful dinner with Tim last night at Ruth Chris steak house. I read somewhere not to eat my favorite foods too many days close to my chemo just in case I get real sick. Those foods would then probably not be my favorites any more. So nothing beats a good steak cooked in butter and creamed spinich. I also consumed my last martini for a while....it was so good. Now I am getting ready for spring athletics. Parker starts his first T-ball practice tomorrow at 5:30 followed by soccer (with Pearce) at 6:30. Full night tomorrow. I can't wait. Hopefully I will not get sick from chemo and can even make T-ball practice Saturday.....we will see. My mom has gotten the boys and is taking them to a movie, so I have a couple of quiet hours at home. Either a nap or a good book should help pass the quiet time. Talk to everyone soon.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I Am An Organized Person
Wow, two blogs in 3 days. I must be inspired. Not really, just have a few updates to share.
Yesterday, I had 2 doctor's appointments. I had very high expectations that I would loose my last two drain tubes and bulbs. Those expectations were dashed before I made it to the first docotor. I am still draining too much fluid so those 2 tubes must stay in until Friday....UGH!!! I am so over the tubes that stop me from having a shower and make my clothes look like I a stealing products from a store. Also, I have to continue taking the nasty aftertaste leaving antibiotic as long as my tubes are in....so tomorrow definately I get my tubes out and can cut back on some of my pill popping. Anyway, my first appointment was to my breast cancer surgeon. Suprisingly, it will be the last time I see this kind, comforting, and competent surgeon. He has no reason to follow me any longer, since his goal was to cut out my cancer. He did that, and did it well. Now I am off to the care of my plastic surgeon and oncologist for the duration of my treatment.
Then I left his office and went to the oncologist. I REALLY DISLIKE GOING TO THE ONCOLOGIST OFFICE. The doctor is great and everyone is nice, but it just depresses me to be there. All of these people, almost all a lot older, just sitting in a room having cancer together. Just not how I want to spend my afternoons...and you are there HOURS when you go. This was the appointment to discuss my chemo treatments, learn more about side effects, and the general procedure for chemo days. Well, I START MY CHEMO NEXT THURSDAY. Sooner that I thought but time to finish the "surgery stage" and begin my "kill cancer cells" stage. I now have like 5 differnent appointments with multiple doctors before next Thursday. This is where I am glad(and Tim is even happier) that I am an organization freak. Plastic surgeon, cardiologist for an ECHO test, plastic surgeon again, oncologist on 2 different days. I will be spending a lot of next week in the car it seems. Let the battle begin!!!!
I got a phone call from my genetic counselor today......and the results were in much sooner than expected. But lucky me, I am not BRACA positive. This means my genetic history is not in play here so I will not need my ovaries taken out as a preventative measure against posible ovarian cancer. So when I finish my 8 chemo treatments, given every 2 weeks, for a total of 4 months, I will not have a partial hysterectomy waiting for me around the corner. I will finish my plastic surgery and then be done. I am grateful I only have 4 months of chemo...it will be hard but not as long as I expected. So hopefully, by my birthday in July and before Parker starts school in August, I will be done fighting cancer and hope to be cancer free. That would be a great birthday gift.
I have kept the boys home with me today. The weather was just too nice, and I wanted to be with them. Of course, by this time in the day, they are driving me crazy but I would not have it any other way. Poor Nell, I know they are wearing her out. So off we go for lunch and to enjoy the sun for a little while. Then maybe a nap before some friends come over for dinner. Overall, this is going to be a great day.
Yesterday, I had 2 doctor's appointments. I had very high expectations that I would loose my last two drain tubes and bulbs. Those expectations were dashed before I made it to the first docotor. I am still draining too much fluid so those 2 tubes must stay in until Friday....UGH!!! I am so over the tubes that stop me from having a shower and make my clothes look like I a stealing products from a store. Also, I have to continue taking the nasty aftertaste leaving antibiotic as long as my tubes are in....so tomorrow definately I get my tubes out and can cut back on some of my pill popping. Anyway, my first appointment was to my breast cancer surgeon. Suprisingly, it will be the last time I see this kind, comforting, and competent surgeon. He has no reason to follow me any longer, since his goal was to cut out my cancer. He did that, and did it well. Now I am off to the care of my plastic surgeon and oncologist for the duration of my treatment.
Then I left his office and went to the oncologist. I REALLY DISLIKE GOING TO THE ONCOLOGIST OFFICE. The doctor is great and everyone is nice, but it just depresses me to be there. All of these people, almost all a lot older, just sitting in a room having cancer together. Just not how I want to spend my afternoons...and you are there HOURS when you go. This was the appointment to discuss my chemo treatments, learn more about side effects, and the general procedure for chemo days. Well, I START MY CHEMO NEXT THURSDAY. Sooner that I thought but time to finish the "surgery stage" and begin my "kill cancer cells" stage. I now have like 5 differnent appointments with multiple doctors before next Thursday. This is where I am glad(and Tim is even happier) that I am an organization freak. Plastic surgeon, cardiologist for an ECHO test, plastic surgeon again, oncologist on 2 different days. I will be spending a lot of next week in the car it seems. Let the battle begin!!!!
I got a phone call from my genetic counselor today......and the results were in much sooner than expected. But lucky me, I am not BRACA positive. This means my genetic history is not in play here so I will not need my ovaries taken out as a preventative measure against posible ovarian cancer. So when I finish my 8 chemo treatments, given every 2 weeks, for a total of 4 months, I will not have a partial hysterectomy waiting for me around the corner. I will finish my plastic surgery and then be done. I am grateful I only have 4 months of chemo...it will be hard but not as long as I expected. So hopefully, by my birthday in July and before Parker starts school in August, I will be done fighting cancer and hope to be cancer free. That would be a great birthday gift.
I have kept the boys home with me today. The weather was just too nice, and I wanted to be with them. Of course, by this time in the day, they are driving me crazy but I would not have it any other way. Poor Nell, I know they are wearing her out. So off we go for lunch and to enjoy the sun for a little while. Then maybe a nap before some friends come over for dinner. Overall, this is going to be a great day.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
How I Have Passed the Last Few Days
Hello my friends, family, and followers,
It was brought to my attention that I have not posted in several days. I guess I never thought people would actually check this blog every day to see how I was. So, now I feel guilty for depriving everyone of my daily boredom. Seriously, I do appreciate the thoughts and concerns. I guess 6 days can have a lot happen if I don't write any of it down. Unfortunately, not much of anything has happened to me since the last post.
I went Friday and had 2 of my 4 drain tubes removed. That was not the most fun, but I have had worse and it is definitely nicer having only 2 drains/bulbs to babysit. I also was treated to a nice lunch with friends and family. Then I was done for. See, that is the thing. I am slowly getting out, but I have a very narrow window of time my body can tolerate this activity. THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY. I want to hold my children....I can not pick them up, take them to the zoo, or even walk to the neighborhood playground with them. THIS IS STARTING TO KILL ME SLOWLY. I over did my activity twice over the weekend and spent the rest of my days in bed or sitting down. I am having to learn not how to slow down but to pretty much STOP!! I think somewhere in my blog description I talked about being a control freak and hating my body taking control of my life...well, it is starting now. Sorry, I just had to vent. I know I am fortunate. Everyone who sees me says I look great and can't believe I am even out, dressed, or functioning. I am blessed to have my family help me every day to get dressed. I am blessed to have friends who call and check on me daily. I am blessed for all the flowers, baskets, and meals we have received. I take none of this for granted. I just have so much time to think, and not much physical ability to do anything. I have been praying daily for a friend's father who has to have bypass surgery. I am physically limited to what I can do for her. That bothers me, a lot. I like to do for others...I always have. It is nice having so much done for me and having the time to heal. I just hate how limited I am to those I love and care about. Soon, I will get my full strength back. I am just counting down the days.
Tomorrow is a big day. I have 2 doctors to see. The first is my breast cancer surgeon. He will take out the last 2 tubes. This will leave 4 holes in my chest that will have to heal and close. At least I can have a shower tomorrow afternoon. I love a good bath, but not when only my bottom half can enjoy it. Then I go see my oncologist. This will hopefully be the visit that clarify what my chemo plan is, more detailed about time and duration. I have so many questions that hopefully will be answered. Of course, these couple hours out and moving will exhaust me. I will just take a pain pill and have a long nap.
On a positive, the weather this weekend was beautiful. I loved just sitting outside with my Kindle reading or watching the boys ride their 20 different types of wheeled vehicles. These last two days of rain and lower temps don't brighten my mood, but I know in a few more days the sun will be out and the temps are warming up. I plan on walking as much as I can tolerate. One to build my strength and two to enjoy the beauty God has given us. Every day I look out my bathroom window to my Ann Magnolia tree Tim planted a couple of years ago. The blooms are beautiful and bring such a smile to my face. Hope everyone is enjoying their spring break.
It was brought to my attention that I have not posted in several days. I guess I never thought people would actually check this blog every day to see how I was. So, now I feel guilty for depriving everyone of my daily boredom. Seriously, I do appreciate the thoughts and concerns. I guess 6 days can have a lot happen if I don't write any of it down. Unfortunately, not much of anything has happened to me since the last post.
I went Friday and had 2 of my 4 drain tubes removed. That was not the most fun, but I have had worse and it is definitely nicer having only 2 drains/bulbs to babysit. I also was treated to a nice lunch with friends and family. Then I was done for. See, that is the thing. I am slowly getting out, but I have a very narrow window of time my body can tolerate this activity. THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY. I want to hold my children....I can not pick them up, take them to the zoo, or even walk to the neighborhood playground with them. THIS IS STARTING TO KILL ME SLOWLY. I over did my activity twice over the weekend and spent the rest of my days in bed or sitting down. I am having to learn not how to slow down but to pretty much STOP!! I think somewhere in my blog description I talked about being a control freak and hating my body taking control of my life...well, it is starting now. Sorry, I just had to vent. I know I am fortunate. Everyone who sees me says I look great and can't believe I am even out, dressed, or functioning. I am blessed to have my family help me every day to get dressed. I am blessed to have friends who call and check on me daily. I am blessed for all the flowers, baskets, and meals we have received. I take none of this for granted. I just have so much time to think, and not much physical ability to do anything. I have been praying daily for a friend's father who has to have bypass surgery. I am physically limited to what I can do for her. That bothers me, a lot. I like to do for others...I always have. It is nice having so much done for me and having the time to heal. I just hate how limited I am to those I love and care about. Soon, I will get my full strength back. I am just counting down the days.
Tomorrow is a big day. I have 2 doctors to see. The first is my breast cancer surgeon. He will take out the last 2 tubes. This will leave 4 holes in my chest that will have to heal and close. At least I can have a shower tomorrow afternoon. I love a good bath, but not when only my bottom half can enjoy it. Then I go see my oncologist. This will hopefully be the visit that clarify what my chemo plan is, more detailed about time and duration. I have so many questions that hopefully will be answered. Of course, these couple hours out and moving will exhaust me. I will just take a pain pill and have a long nap.
On a positive, the weather this weekend was beautiful. I loved just sitting outside with my Kindle reading or watching the boys ride their 20 different types of wheeled vehicles. These last two days of rain and lower temps don't brighten my mood, but I know in a few more days the sun will be out and the temps are warming up. I plan on walking as much as I can tolerate. One to build my strength and two to enjoy the beauty God has given us. Every day I look out my bathroom window to my Ann Magnolia tree Tim planted a couple of years ago. The blooms are beautiful and bring such a smile to my face. Hope everyone is enjoying their spring break.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
I Look Like I Have Grenades Around My Body
Hope everyone is finding themselves well on this dreary Thursday. I know it would be much easier to sit at home and recuperate if the weather would just be a little nicer....gray is not my color, either. I am so looking forward to the weather being sunny and warmer. Then I can go out and walk a little and not feel stuck in the house.
On a good note, I could not take the jail sentence of being home any longer. Yesterday, I forced Tim to take me to lunch and a movie. It was so nice to not be in pajamas and to get fresh air. Probably was not quite ready for such a huge undertaking, but it was well worth the effort. The movie was a comedy....did not plan that out too well,either. They say laughter is the best medicine. It was great to also meet a friend there to enjoy the time out.
I was able to wear one of Tim's rain jacket pull overs to cover my grenade belly. I have not read or spoken to any breast cancer surgery patient who found the drain tubes you must wear post surgery to be fun. My four drain tubes and bulbs are on my front just under my two deformed(but they will get there) breasts. I have gotten over the grossness of them....poor Tim is the lucky one who gets to drain and measure fluid every day. The problem I have with these bulbs and tubes is they fall right over my stomach. Clothes that were once loose on me I can not get over these bulky bulbs. Mom finally found me some cami tops to wear under my pajamas, because these bulbs make it hard to button them closed. So the cami presses the four bulbs down and it looks like I am ready to explode via grenades. Hopefully, I will get some out tomorrow and the rest next week.
Good news!!! When the doctors did my surgery, my first sentinel node was positive with cancer. As a result, I had 13 other lymph nodes removed and tested. I finally learned today that the other nodes were all clear. YEAH!!!!!! So now I continue to rest and recover so I can start my chemo battle. My dad is bringing me his famous lasagna for dinner....what a girl has to do to get such treatment. Can not wait for this yummy treat.
Hope everyone has a good start to their weekend. Come on spring!!!!!!
On a good note, I could not take the jail sentence of being home any longer. Yesterday, I forced Tim to take me to lunch and a movie. It was so nice to not be in pajamas and to get fresh air. Probably was not quite ready for such a huge undertaking, but it was well worth the effort. The movie was a comedy....did not plan that out too well,either. They say laughter is the best medicine. It was great to also meet a friend there to enjoy the time out.
I was able to wear one of Tim's rain jacket pull overs to cover my grenade belly. I have not read or spoken to any breast cancer surgery patient who found the drain tubes you must wear post surgery to be fun. My four drain tubes and bulbs are on my front just under my two deformed(but they will get there) breasts. I have gotten over the grossness of them....poor Tim is the lucky one who gets to drain and measure fluid every day. The problem I have with these bulbs and tubes is they fall right over my stomach. Clothes that were once loose on me I can not get over these bulky bulbs. Mom finally found me some cami tops to wear under my pajamas, because these bulbs make it hard to button them closed. So the cami presses the four bulbs down and it looks like I am ready to explode via grenades. Hopefully, I will get some out tomorrow and the rest next week.
Good news!!! When the doctors did my surgery, my first sentinel node was positive with cancer. As a result, I had 13 other lymph nodes removed and tested. I finally learned today that the other nodes were all clear. YEAH!!!!!! So now I continue to rest and recover so I can start my chemo battle. My dad is bringing me his famous lasagna for dinner....what a girl has to do to get such treatment. Can not wait for this yummy treat.
Hope everyone has a good start to their weekend. Come on spring!!!!!!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Wild Rides Not Wanted
I AM HOME!!!! YEAH!!! I NO LONGER HAVE BREAST CANCER!!!!! YEAH!!!! Nothing but positive from those statements.
Thanks to my wonderful doctors, Dr. Patterson and Dr. Adams, I no longer have a cancerous tumor in my breast tissue. It is gone. Now it is time for my surgery to be put behind me and heal. The physical part of this will not take as long as the emotional, but I am glad to be home and start the healing process.
I had wonderful nurses and doctors take care of me the last few days. I was never uncomfortable or alone. My husband has been my ROCK!!!! I never lucked out more than the day I married him(thanks Shari and John for the recommendation). We have bonded so much over the last month, but even more during my hospital stay. He never left my side. I love him so much. There will never be enough words for me to express how lucky I am to have him as my partner. It was also such a comfort before and after surgery to have both my friends and family around me....to offer comfort and humor is such a scary time. The multiple gifts of flowers were beautiful and uplifting. The nurses liked them even more than me.
So, now I am home with four drainage bulbs under my chest. My chest and right arm are numb, still. This is probably for the best. There was a tumor in one lymph node, so the doctors also removed three more and sent them off for testing. The doctor is optimistic that the tumor was only in that one node. He has not changed my stage of cancer from 2 to 3 nor does he think I will need radiation. It just depends on the test results that I should get later this week. So here I am praying once again that my lymph nodes will be clear.
Parker has been so sweet trying to take care of me. Both boys were well prepared by their grandparents to be gentle with mom. I love those two boys. It was hard coming home from the women's hospital without a baby in my arms....that is the only time I have ever been there, to have babies. But I bring home life, none the less. My life.....
Thank you all for your prayers and support. Trust me, I could feel the warm wishes and prayers envelop and comfort me. Now I am off for a pain pill and a nap. I plan on enjoying this recovery time with my family and friends who have generously offered their time to stay with me. Let us see what trouble I can get in half drugged and unable to wear a shirt....HHHMMMM.
Thanks to my wonderful doctors, Dr. Patterson and Dr. Adams, I no longer have a cancerous tumor in my breast tissue. It is gone. Now it is time for my surgery to be put behind me and heal. The physical part of this will not take as long as the emotional, but I am glad to be home and start the healing process.
I had wonderful nurses and doctors take care of me the last few days. I was never uncomfortable or alone. My husband has been my ROCK!!!! I never lucked out more than the day I married him(thanks Shari and John for the recommendation). We have bonded so much over the last month, but even more during my hospital stay. He never left my side. I love him so much. There will never be enough words for me to express how lucky I am to have him as my partner. It was also such a comfort before and after surgery to have both my friends and family around me....to offer comfort and humor is such a scary time. The multiple gifts of flowers were beautiful and uplifting. The nurses liked them even more than me.
So, now I am home with four drainage bulbs under my chest. My chest and right arm are numb, still. This is probably for the best. There was a tumor in one lymph node, so the doctors also removed three more and sent them off for testing. The doctor is optimistic that the tumor was only in that one node. He has not changed my stage of cancer from 2 to 3 nor does he think I will need radiation. It just depends on the test results that I should get later this week. So here I am praying once again that my lymph nodes will be clear.
Parker has been so sweet trying to take care of me. Both boys were well prepared by their grandparents to be gentle with mom. I love those two boys. It was hard coming home from the women's hospital without a baby in my arms....that is the only time I have ever been there, to have babies. But I bring home life, none the less. My life.....
Thank you all for your prayers and support. Trust me, I could feel the warm wishes and prayers envelop and comfort me. Now I am off for a pain pill and a nap. I plan on enjoying this recovery time with my family and friends who have generously offered their time to stay with me. Let us see what trouble I can get in half drugged and unable to wear a shirt....HHHMMMM.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Dolly -- My New Alter Ego
This is my last post before surgery. Wow, I managed to create 3 whole posts before I have surgery. Call me the over achiever!! I have spent the last two days running around like a mad woman trying to entertain my boys and take care of business. First, I have newly painted fingers and toes. Necessity for me, as many of my friends and family well know. Tim also wanted us to have a family picture taken before the surgery. I was not wanting to do this...we get pictures of the boys once every year after Parker's birthday. After cancelling two separate appointments, I finally gave in to Tim and agreed to a family picture as well as the boys pictures. I have new pajamas and a clean house...at least the house was clean when I left, anyway. I also managed to get lovely purple marks all around the both breasts by the plastic surgeon.....he signed them with his initials. I have given more blood for genetic tests. I have also had an amazing dinner with my close friends and family. It was great fun for me and a stress reliever. The three glasses of wine I had did not hurt the atmosphere, either. (Wine has always been my liquid Xanax). Finally, I managed to get Dolly. Who is Dolly? She is my new wig. I wore her for several hours today before the anxiety took over and I yanked her off my head. I think it is going to take some serious time to like Dolly. I appreciate that I have her, but I really resent her presence. Parker HATES her. I hope if I let him style her up with some clips he might get a little more responsive.
I am having a sensory overload of emotions right now. Anger, fear, resentment....fostered with love, awe, and hope. My doctors speak as if this is a non-event. Quickly done and quickly recovered. I am trying to force those ideas to stick. I have been blessed with an outpouring of love from many different people. This constant reminder of the love and support I have around me helps more than I can say. I have learned that not all tears are bad. Tears from loved ones are healing and comforting. I hate to cause my family and friends stress or angst. I feel much guilt for that, but I also know I am unable to control this situation I have found myself. I love them as much as they love me and am grateful for them every day...now it seems every second. Forgive me for my frustrations and tears, and thank you for listening and drying my eyes.
Part of me feels that I will not be the same person when I wake up tomorrow. I now have two lives...the life pre-cancer and the life I have ahead of me post-cancer. A clean slate....I plan on this slate being just as full as the first one, if not more. Maybe even more colorful and exciting that it would have been without this change in my life path.
I am having a sensory overload of emotions right now. Anger, fear, resentment....fostered with love, awe, and hope. My doctors speak as if this is a non-event. Quickly done and quickly recovered. I am trying to force those ideas to stick. I have been blessed with an outpouring of love from many different people. This constant reminder of the love and support I have around me helps more than I can say. I have learned that not all tears are bad. Tears from loved ones are healing and comforting. I hate to cause my family and friends stress or angst. I feel much guilt for that, but I also know I am unable to control this situation I have found myself. I love them as much as they love me and am grateful for them every day...now it seems every second. Forgive me for my frustrations and tears, and thank you for listening and drying my eyes.
Part of me feels that I will not be the same person when I wake up tomorrow. I now have two lives...the life pre-cancer and the life I have ahead of me post-cancer. A clean slate....I plan on this slate being just as full as the first one, if not more. Maybe even more colorful and exciting that it would have been without this change in my life path.
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