This is my last post before surgery. Wow, I managed to create 3 whole posts before I have surgery. Call me the over achiever!! I have spent the last two days running around like a mad woman trying to entertain my boys and take care of business. First, I have newly painted fingers and toes. Necessity for me, as many of my friends and family well know. Tim also wanted us to have a family picture taken before the surgery. I was not wanting to do this...we get pictures of the boys once every year after Parker's birthday. After cancelling two separate appointments, I finally gave in to Tim and agreed to a family picture as well as the boys pictures. I have new pajamas and a clean house...at least the house was clean when I left, anyway. I also managed to get lovely purple marks all around the both breasts by the plastic surgeon.....he signed them with his initials. I have given more blood for genetic tests. I have also had an amazing dinner with my close friends and family. It was great fun for me and a stress reliever. The three glasses of wine I had did not hurt the atmosphere, either. (Wine has always been my liquid Xanax). Finally, I managed to get Dolly. Who is Dolly? She is my new wig. I wore her for several hours today before the anxiety took over and I yanked her off my head. I think it is going to take some serious time to like Dolly. I appreciate that I have her, but I really resent her presence. Parker HATES her. I hope if I let him style her up with some clips he might get a little more responsive.
I am having a sensory overload of emotions right now. Anger, fear, resentment....fostered with love, awe, and hope. My doctors speak as if this is a non-event. Quickly done and quickly recovered. I am trying to force those ideas to stick. I have been blessed with an outpouring of love from many different people. This constant reminder of the love and support I have around me helps more than I can say. I have learned that not all tears are bad. Tears from loved ones are healing and comforting. I hate to cause my family and friends stress or angst. I feel much guilt for that, but I also know I am unable to control this situation I have found myself. I love them as much as they love me and am grateful for them every day...now it seems every second. Forgive me for my frustrations and tears, and thank you for listening and drying my eyes.
Part of me feels that I will not be the same person when I wake up tomorrow. I now have two lives...the life pre-cancer and the life I have ahead of me post-cancer. A clean slate....I plan on this slate being just as full as the first one, if not more. Maybe even more colorful and exciting that it would have been without this change in my life path.
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