On The Eve Of My LAST Chemo----YEAH and AMEN!!!!

So, I have done it.  This time tomorrow I will be FINISHED with all 8 of my chemo therapies.  It seems to have taken forever to get to say that.  There are no words to describe just how excited and happy I am to have made this milestone.  Trust me, 8 doses of toxic drugs in your system every two weeks is NOT EASY!!!!  I can appreciate that so much more now. 

First, thank you to EVERYONE for EVERYTHING that was done for me and my family.  I have learned the true meaning of love and friendship from so many people.  Some people which I do not know all that well.  The prayers, cards, food, gifts, flowers,transportation, personal time, use of personal computer equipment...the list goes on and on.  I am humbled beyond expression....that means a lot from the woman with a lot of words. 

I start my day tomorrow with a manicure because this one is definitely earned.  Who knows, I might just do pink(and I HATE the color pink).  Then my quest at the oncologist begins at 10.  And you can trust me when I say that I will not be leaving the doctor tomorrow without my last chemo completed.  Tomorrow I am probably going to be a very vocal patient at my doctors office for many reasons.  Either way, a major and important milestone has been met.  I will pray during my entire infusion tomorrow that if any cancer cells did break off that they were all beaten by this chemo.  I will not accept that this series of treatments did not work and face another cancer later.  I WILL NOT GIVE UP...EVER!!!!!

Thank you God for the strength to get this far as well as the love that was needed to do it.  Hopefully, most of the tears from hear on out will be of joy.  Talk soon after I am done.

Counting Down the Days---Just 8 To Go!!!

I find it hard to believe that I only have ONE MORE CHEMOTHERAPY WAITING FOR ME!!!!!  It seems to me I have been fighting cancer and having treatments a lot longer than 4 months.  This cancer has taken over my life completely, and it seems I have always had it.  Tim saw a picture of me at work and said how beautiful I was.  Well, I reminded him that picture was taken when I was 26 before he or our two children and cancer existed.  Of course I looked beautiful....life had not kicked me in the butt yet.  So now I have a goal.  No, I can not look like I did at 26 but I can try to come close.  I just need to find the energy to get back to ME! 

They have books for parents....the "What to Expect..." series.  It helps parents understand their pregnancy, then the first year of life.  I even think they have a toddler version now.  I need a "What to Expect When You Finish Chemotherapy" book.  I could have even appreciated the "What to Expect When You Have Chemotherapy", but now I am almost finished with that road.  I have 8 more days of Chemo #7 to surprise me with side affects then the last bang.  I just have been so focused on these treatments and how they have physically, mentally, and emotionally depleted me that I have not thought much ahead to the after.  That is so not like me.   I am a planner, big time.  Now as I sit at home alone with nothing but time these last few days, I am beginning to wonder just how much uphill I have to face yet.

Pressure...I put plenty of it on me without outside help.  There are some people(not me) who think with the last drop of Taxol in my blood next Wednesday I will be better.  I will have no more toxic drugs affecting me and my body so back to it I should go.  Well, I know that will not happen. These drugs will still be in my system, I just don't know how long.   I just wonder at what point will my body begin to heal and I along with it.  I so want to not be breathing heavy just because I climbed a flight of stairs.  I want to not have to rest and plan how to expend my energy because I only have so much.  I WANT TO BE ABLE TO WALK LONGER THAT 5 MINUTES AND NOT LIMP OR BE IN PAIN.  In other words, I do want my 26 year old self back.  Just, how do I do that.  How long will it take for me to function like I did before March 5, 2011??    I do not have to go back to work until September 5th.  That gives me 2 months to rest, heal, and hope for a better physical me.  Is that enough time?  Or am I still going to be feeling effects of drugs from months ago?  That thought scares me so much.

Today is the ribbon cutting ceremony at my place of employment for the grand re-opening after a remodel of almost 2 years.  I plan on being there.  Not in a work capacity, Tim gets to do that.  I plan on being there as a customer and as an almost 19 year employee.  I will see my co-workers and enjoy their company for a while.  I will see a lot of Tim's co-workers as well as bosses(he has a lot).  Some people have not seen me since I went in hiding in March.  Others have.  Either way, I will be there and stay as long as I can.  My plan is to rest today and stay off my feet so I can walk and socialize tonight.  I never would have thought I would have to plan my days of physical activity.  So sad.  But, I am almost done and can not wait.  I will accept whatever the physical future holds, and push as much as possible to get back what I once had.  Who knows, maybe I will write that "What to Expect After Chemotherapy" book anyway......

Disappointment!!!!

Today was to be my next to last chemo.  I could actually say I was excited at the prospect of this infusion being finished and having only ONE MORE TO GO!!  Of  course, I learned a long time ago that any decent plan can go to crap in a short time frame.  This can also be said of any medical treatment.  I have not written because overall I have felt good and wanted to maintain the positive vibe from the last post.  I have exhaustion, fever, chills, leg pains, and neuropathy(especially of the feet).  Those are my major symptoms.  My new medication for the cough and or gag cough has really helped to suppress any episodes of vomit....just one this last two week session.  I can live with these things.  I space out my energy to maximize it's usefulness and try to rest as much as I can.  Including keeping my feet off the ground.

Anyway, today was chemo #7 of 8.  I am ready for my 35th year of life to be over and this portion of cancer treatment to be completed.  I was ready to get this under my belt.  Again, my girlfriend Jennifer Cooper was my driver and dedicated support system for the day.  She has sacrificed so much to come and sit with me during these chemos.  I am eternally grateful for her as my friend, and the relationship we have.  She has done so much to support me and my family during this time.  I will be forever grateful and love her until my last breath.  But, not to get off topic, we get to the doctor at 11:30.  The parking lot and waiting room are packed. Bad sign....swallow first Lorazepam for nerves.  We wait and then I am called back for my blood work.  I get the same girl who one month ago took over 30 minutes to access my port.  Well, today was the same.  I smile.  I only have to do this for chemo ONE MORE TIME.  Then I find Jen in the very full second waiting room.  After an hour of waiting here, we are ready to eat.  So, I call my girls at work.  Amy does not disappoint.  Fresh Milano's....stromboli and garlic knots.  We still have not seen the doctor and our food is here........what to do.  Eat the garlic knots and Bam...we get called back.  And we wait....wait....wait...wait.  We finally eat the stromboli and now I am on the computer checking my files.  WHAT???  They were open for public viewing.  I now knew my labs were good for chemo #7.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.....do I hear something.  Why yes.  It is Marcus, Dr. Tauer's FNP going over my chart with a NEW PERSON.  Well, now I know why we have been waiting so long.  Here comes the new hire FNP asking questions, going over labs, blah, blah, blah.  All looks good, Marcus will see you soon.   WHAT????  It is now 3:30.  I have been here 4 hours and still face a 4 hour infusion.  Really!?!?!?

So, now I have permission to go to the chemotherapy infusion waiting area....to wait.  And here comes my infusion nurse.  Not good.  So, she says as I am laughing hysterically, I have talked it over with the late infusion nurse and our supervisor and we feel it will be better if you come back tomorrow.  WOW!!!!  Surprise, we had to wait so long we have run out of time.  Sure, I say.  I can be a team  player.  Good says the nurse, can you come tomorrow at 7:30 AM.  Now I laugh...again.  I am usually not up at 7:30 but sure.  Why not drive from Lakeland into rush hour traffic in the morning to complete my treatment.  Team player and all.  Well, I ask, can I also get my Neulasta shot tomorrow so I don't have to come back on Friday.  Ummmm....no.  Come back Friday for that.  I AM NOT A HAPPY WOMAN.  I now have one more night to dread my chemo and extend my time until I am finished.  This just sucks.  But hey, what am I to do.  Well, I will open my mouth next time to the physician and explain some of the lacking efficiencies in his office.  If I don't tell him, he may not know.  This just bothers me...period.

So, tomorrow Tim starts the morning at 6:50 heading in to get my treatment.  One more stick.  Luckily, my neighbor came by tonight with her portable DVD player and an entire collection of TV shows for me to watch to help past time.  That put a smile on my face.  Also, we had dinner with the Evans, so tonight was good overall.  Just not what was expected.  Tomorrow, I will get my 7th of 8 chemo doses and come even closer to ending this battle.  I am ready to win and be completed.  Elisha will come and complete my infusion time with me and then we will treat our self to lunch.  Just because.  Hope all is well for my followers.  Again, thank you for your thoughts, prayers, cards, calls, and treasures. 

My Alternate Universe

I just can not turn my brain off.  I have tried watching TV, reading on my Kindle, and just laying in bed.  My brain just will not shut off.  So, here I am at 1:30 in the morning writing on my blog.  Is this what my life has become?  Surprisingly, I had no nap today(unlike the 3 I needed and took yesterday) and have been moving around most of the day.  I just knew going to sleep would be easy....NOT!!! 

Seeing as I am in such good spirits right now(really, no sarcasm), I don't mind not sleeping.  Other than Charlie will be awake in about 4-5 hours, I don't have to get up in the morning.  The boys will find me if I fall asleep upstairs....daddy takes too long to wake up for them.  They just give up and search the house for me.  We have lunch plans with friends at 11 then hoping to visit dad to watch the boys have fun at the pool.  If the lack of sleep and heat don't get me, I will have had one of my best weekends in a while.  It was while I was in bed and my mind was going that I had the thought of what a great place I am in now....

I play this thought in my head of my life in this cancer, surgery, chemotherapy world against what I would be doing in my alternate universe(i.e. my life before cancer) right now.  Funnily enough, for once these two worlds are on the same path.  I feel about 80% of my old self, and considering it seems like it has been months that I can say that, 80% feels like 100%.  So, if I did not have cancer right now and was not on short term disability, I would be starting my vacation week with my husband.  Tim is on vacation.  I am over the moon with excitement about this.  This will be the first week we have had together since before 2-8-11 when I was diagnosed and my world changed.  And our plans for this week would not be any different now as in my alternate universe.  I can stay up because I am on vacation and can sleep late.  Parker will have kindergarten camp at Lakeland Elementary this week every day from 9-12:30.  Pearce will have day care Monday through Wednesday.  So, that means Tim and I will get time to ourselves while the kids are at school.  We can do whatever we want.  We also will get some one-on-one time with both Parker and Pearce.  If I continue to feel more normal than sick I can almost forget for one week that I have cancer.  All of these multiple scenarios keep me awake, but for me they are all positives. 

So now I pray and stay positive hoping that the exhaustion, neuropathy, and pain stay away.  Knock on wood, this is the first week in 12 weeks that I have not had to vomit.  I am living my alternate universe right now as much as possible and loving it.  Someones prayers are working for me and I thank you for that....

Chemo #6 Is OVER!!!! Just 2 More To Go.....

It is official.  I have had 6 doses of chemotherapy.  Four doses of AC(the red devil) and now two doses of Taxol.  I find myself definitely not missing the AC, but the Taxol has not been very nice to me either.  On the brighter side, I lost 5 pounds in 14 days.  See what vomit and no appetite with some fever can do for a girl.  Of course, I do not think I will make my 50 pound total chemo weight loss, but I will continue to aim for close to that goal.  I mean, if I have to have cancer, I might as well loose some pounds for it. 

So far so good.  I have not gotten sick yet from this Taxol.  I did get a new nausea/vomiting medicine added to the other 4 I take.  But, if it works...what is just one more pill.  My energy has not gotten any better.  I do what I can then drop.  If I know I have things to do, I space myself out before I drop.  That pretty much sums me up.  Not much of a party going on over here any more.  But soon.....yeah, I will have a party when I have my birthday in July.  I will be done with chemo and turn 36!!!!  Bring it on, because 35 and the year 2011 have NOT been nice to me.  I am ready to move on to better and brighter beginnings. 

My energy level for tomorrow is all focused on the new carpet we are getting downstairs in the master bedroom and the boy's room.  For a quick reminder, I had a loving cat Emma who only loved me.  She tolerated Parker's birth because she loved me.  She said screw you at Pearce's birth and urinated on our bedroom carpet for two years.  It took that long for my love for her to fade and give Tim the o.k. to find her a new home.  So, the time has come to get some new,clean carpet.  Yeah, that will wipe me out tomorrow.  Who cares.  I will sleep to the smell of new carpet.  I might just sleep on the carpet.  Even better, Tim will be on vacation with me ALL NEXT WEEK!!!!  That is so amazing.  I can not wait.

The chemo infusion yesterday went as before.  Long.  Long waits, long drug infusion, lots of people.  Stupid me, it was the week of Memorial Day so the doctor's office has 4 days to see/treat 5 days worth of patients.  Luckily, Tim brought a yummy lunch for Elisha and I to have.  Even better, Elisha brought her laptop and some rented movies.  After we finally found two chairs together, it really helped to pass the infusion time.  I love my friends...they are my family.  I must stop posting now because the drugs are making my hands slip.  I can only imagine what spell check will not get.  Praying for no leg pains to begin and the vomit to stay away.  Thanks to all the support and love I get from you.  The comments, posts, cards, and calls mean a lot to me.