Update and Then a Pause from Writing....

Well, it is time for me to end my cancer recovery and go back full force to life.  I have been blessed to be employed by a company with amazing health benefits.  The last day I worked was March 2nd.  That is a whole 6 months(very luckily paid) spent at home recovering from surgery and chemotherapy.  It amazes me how much strength I have gotten back in the last month.  It also amazes me how I am not 100% my old self.  Hopefully, the iron infusion I received a few weeks ago will help give me more energy than I have now.  Do not get me wrong, I have spent the last 2 weeks doing more than ever.  I am back to all housework and parenting responsibilities.  I no longer have to have naps or take breaks to get my energy back....that is so great to me.  I have started walking, about 30-40 minutes at a time.  I try to walk at least 4 days a week.  The only thing holding me back are my feet.  My poor feet have had the brunt of side effects from the chemo.  I am slowly and painfully loosing my large toenail.  I have also had issues walking since I started the Taxol.  I love being out in nature, taking time to relax and working to get my strength back.  I pay for it by hobbling for a day or so and having a lot of pain.  But, I realize that the walking is helping and I am going a little further for a little longer each time.  It remains to be seen how much standing on my feet at work for hours at a time will affect me.  I look forward to finding out.

I am a worker.  I have worked for the same company for 19 years.  I started as a tech and now I am a pharmacist.  I love my co-workers...they are my friends and family before anything else.  I miss the times laughing and crying with them.  I am as ready as I will ever be to start back to work.  I do not think my energy or mental capacity will be a problem...just my feet.  By going back to work, my life is back to what it was before my diagnosis.  It seems I have come full circle.  I never thought I would get to this point....these last 7 months since the diagnosis of breast cancer are all a blur.  I have missed so much.  That is OK.  I will gladly have missed 6 months of my normal life to have years of  life and activities ahead of me.

Just two little blips before I can put cancer behind me.  I have my breast implant surgery September 20th.  This will be the last big physical hurdle I have facing me.  My doctor says this will seem like nothing compared to the mastectomy.  I will be so glad to have these tissue expanders out of my chest.  They no longer hurt me but are not natural to feel in my body.  Luckily, I have vacation that week of surgery so I have more than enough time to recover.  The second hurdle will be another MRI in November, the week before Thanksgiving.  This will be my second test to verify that I am still cancer free.  Otherwise, I embrace a normal and boring life.  Being a mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and pharmacist...that is me.  I am better at all of these responsibilities without cancer. 

Cancer has tough me a lot.  I do not want to give cancer credit for anything. But instead of focusing on the negative effects of breast cancer I would prefer to think on the positives.   Because of cancer, I have experienced more love, compassion, friendship, faith, and hope than I ever thought possible.  I realized what a lucky person I was to have the family, friends, job, and co-workers I have.  The support and love felt from my family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and strangers is an amazing blessing.  I will never be able to repay some of the people who have helped and loved me the most. Their unselfish sacrifices helped me to live and fight.   All I can do is love these people back the best way possible.   Just remember, their is light at the end of the tunnel.  I hope and pray no one ever has to experience cancer for themselves or a loved one.  Unfortunately, I know that not to be true.  It amazes me every time I go to my oncologist how many people have cancer...it is so sad.  I was lucky.   So many others will not be. 

I am taking a break from the blog, at least I think I am .  I hope to not have any more bad things to report on this page.  I will now use it for updates only.  Thank you for following me.  It was very therapeutic to have an outlet to vent feelings and thoughts.  Your support will be with me forever.  I hope I never have to face another cancer diagnosis.  There is always a possibility.  Cancer has marked me but not beat me.  That is the important lesson.  I love you all.

Jennifer

Raise Your Glass and Celebrate!!!!!

Wow, it has been a busy 3 weeks since I finished my chemotherapy.(  I just LOVE saying that.)  The first couple of weeks was rough....exhaustion, pain, extreme neuropathy.  Slowly, I can tell a difference in my physical ability.  Walking is still very hard.  BUT, that did not stop me from an amazing family vacation last week to St. Louis and Chicago.  A lot of walking was involved, and I survived.  I was slow and spent a lot of time in bed at night, but I managed to walk the St Louis zoo and then all over Chicago with the boys.  I missed nothing.  This time last year we would have done so much more, but I am so happy for being able to participate and for what we did do. 

So now I sit at the computer with a glass of wine and good chocolate to celebrate with all of my loyal and loving followers.  Today was a BIG day for me....I had a PET scan to determine if the chemotherapy worked it's magic and if I was cancer free or had other cancers forming elsewhere.  I have been very nervous and upset about this test.  I just could not accept any answer other that I was CANCER FREE.  Lucky for me, that is exactly what my doctor told me.  The PET scan came back clear and good.  Add that to the fact that my mastectomy was successful in eradicating all the cancer cells in my  breast makes me ONE HEALTHY WOMAN WITH NO CANCER!!!!!!

I am not out of the woods yet, but I am in a very happy place right now.  I will go back in 4 months for another recheck.  The first five years post chemo are my highest likely hood of another cancer forming so I have to be checked several times a year.  Knowing this test came back clear gives me such hope for a future without cancer.  It is hard to imagine yet amazing to be at this point.  This has been the hardest year of my life.  I only have uphill to go from here and I look forward to that.  Now I have to get more strength back to get ready to go back to work.  That will really help to put some normalcy back in my life. 

I am so very lucky to have the friends and family I have.  Every one's thoughts, prayers, cards, gifts, calls, meals, and support has meant so much.  I realize just how lucky I am to have such amazing people in my life.  I definitely could not have made it to the CANCER FREE point without all of you.  I plan on having one huge celebration this weekend with my friends...first for birthdays, then for this great news.  I am lucky for every day I have, and I do not want to waste any of them.  I have a lot of life left in me and a lot of things to accomplish in the many decades I still plan on being around.  So, take a moment and celebrate life.  It means so much.  I raise a glass to all of you for your love, understanding, patience, and caring.  Thank you from me and my family.  I am so happy knowing I have time now to see my boys grow and change.  That is truly a blessing.

Happy Birthday to Me---36 and Cancer Free!!!!

I am a huge celebrator of birthdays.  Always have been.  I actually have a birthday week dedicated to multiple celebrations of my birthday every year.  Tim hates it...he is not a huge fan of birthdays.  But, I was raised to celebrate the day I was born in a big way.  This year's birthday is even more special. This year it starts cancer free.  No more chemotherapy and just one more surgery in a few months to look forward to.  I would like to say I got my present early the day I finished chemotherapy.  Unfortunately, cancer still looms large in my life.  No matter, I am still celebrating starting fresh.  A new year, a new age with no cancer.

I now will crave birthdays because they will symbolize another successful year cancer-free.  I am so ready to put all the pain and battle of breast cancer behind me and move on with my life.  In my mind, I will be able to do that more effectively next week.  July 20th I have my PET scan.  This is to determine if any new cancer growths are anywhere else in my body.  Until I finish this test, I still wonder and worry.  I am confident the results will come back cancer free.  I just want the proof before I shout it from the rooftops.

I started my celebration yesterday with my yearly dinner with my pharmacy girls--Diane, Jennifer, and Elisha.  Dinner and celebrations at the Melting Pot.  I love when we get together.  It is a double birthday celebration, as Diane's birthday is the day after mine.  July is just one big party.  Our big double birthday party will be July 23rd on the Betty Bus, surrounded by friends of our present and past.  I am resting up for this big party.  I can not wait to see some old friends, and I definitely do not want to slow down the party.  Tomorrow we have dinner plans downtown(without children--WOW) with friends and family.  I also share my actual birthday with a dear friend, Gena Evans.  We have made it tradition to celebrate together.  Adult couples going out for dinner downtown.  Sounds like a great way to end my birthday tomorrow. 

Tomorrow is a celebration.  I have made it to a glorious 36 years of age.  Last year was the worst ever so I have big expectations to number 36.  Change as well as some normalcy is the theme for this year.  I want my life back, but with personal improvements and challenges.  Every year, actually every day is precious.  I celebrate them all and plan on many, many more.  Thank you all for sharing your life with me.  Your love, support, and concern have truly warmed my soul.  I am so very blessed. to be starting new, with  friends and family by my side.  I will only get stronger--mentally, physically, and emotionally.  

Week by week I am slowly seeing progress.  I have very uncomfortable neuropathy that I have been battling for months since the Taxol.  Slowly, it is getting worse and not better.  I finally broke down and called the doctor.  Great news, it only gets worse before it gets better.  I am looking at about 3-6 months for my body to fight with neuropathy.  It severely affects my ability to walk.  It also makes me break down in tears with each flair up. I find myself only comfortable in bed, definitely no walking.  Hard to get back on your feet when they hurt so bad.  I will start some medicine to help with the neuropathy as well as a good old anti-depressant because it has become obvious I need one.  No shame in getting the help I have been avoiding for a while.  Hopefully, these 2 new therapies will help me overcome my cancer recovery much faster. 

So, Happy Birthday to Me!!!  I am 36 and proud of every day.  I await thousands of more days ahead.  Until then, I am enjoying my time with Tim this week while he is on vacation.  We are planning on a short trip to St. Louis and then Chicago for a few days.  I plan on enjoying this time as a family as much as possible.  Every week I get a little stronger.  I can not wait until the time in my 36th year when I am there---back to normal with no lingering effects from the drugs.  I know it is coming soon and look so forward to that.  So, I wish myself and everyone else out there a happy, healthy birthday full of love and friends.

On The Eve Of My LAST Chemo----YEAH and AMEN!!!!

So, I have done it.  This time tomorrow I will be FINISHED with all 8 of my chemo therapies.  It seems to have taken forever to get to say that.  There are no words to describe just how excited and happy I am to have made this milestone.  Trust me, 8 doses of toxic drugs in your system every two weeks is NOT EASY!!!!  I can appreciate that so much more now. 

First, thank you to EVERYONE for EVERYTHING that was done for me and my family.  I have learned the true meaning of love and friendship from so many people.  Some people which I do not know all that well.  The prayers, cards, food, gifts, flowers,transportation, personal time, use of personal computer equipment...the list goes on and on.  I am humbled beyond expression....that means a lot from the woman with a lot of words. 

I start my day tomorrow with a manicure because this one is definitely earned.  Who knows, I might just do pink(and I HATE the color pink).  Then my quest at the oncologist begins at 10.  And you can trust me when I say that I will not be leaving the doctor tomorrow without my last chemo completed.  Tomorrow I am probably going to be a very vocal patient at my doctors office for many reasons.  Either way, a major and important milestone has been met.  I will pray during my entire infusion tomorrow that if any cancer cells did break off that they were all beaten by this chemo.  I will not accept that this series of treatments did not work and face another cancer later.  I WILL NOT GIVE UP...EVER!!!!!

Thank you God for the strength to get this far as well as the love that was needed to do it.  Hopefully, most of the tears from hear on out will be of joy.  Talk soon after I am done.

Counting Down the Days---Just 8 To Go!!!

I find it hard to believe that I only have ONE MORE CHEMOTHERAPY WAITING FOR ME!!!!!  It seems to me I have been fighting cancer and having treatments a lot longer than 4 months.  This cancer has taken over my life completely, and it seems I have always had it.  Tim saw a picture of me at work and said how beautiful I was.  Well, I reminded him that picture was taken when I was 26 before he or our two children and cancer existed.  Of course I looked beautiful....life had not kicked me in the butt yet.  So now I have a goal.  No, I can not look like I did at 26 but I can try to come close.  I just need to find the energy to get back to ME! 

They have books for parents....the "What to Expect..." series.  It helps parents understand their pregnancy, then the first year of life.  I even think they have a toddler version now.  I need a "What to Expect When You Finish Chemotherapy" book.  I could have even appreciated the "What to Expect When You Have Chemotherapy", but now I am almost finished with that road.  I have 8 more days of Chemo #7 to surprise me with side affects then the last bang.  I just have been so focused on these treatments and how they have physically, mentally, and emotionally depleted me that I have not thought much ahead to the after.  That is so not like me.   I am a planner, big time.  Now as I sit at home alone with nothing but time these last few days, I am beginning to wonder just how much uphill I have to face yet.

Pressure...I put plenty of it on me without outside help.  There are some people(not me) who think with the last drop of Taxol in my blood next Wednesday I will be better.  I will have no more toxic drugs affecting me and my body so back to it I should go.  Well, I know that will not happen. These drugs will still be in my system, I just don't know how long.   I just wonder at what point will my body begin to heal and I along with it.  I so want to not be breathing heavy just because I climbed a flight of stairs.  I want to not have to rest and plan how to expend my energy because I only have so much.  I WANT TO BE ABLE TO WALK LONGER THAT 5 MINUTES AND NOT LIMP OR BE IN PAIN.  In other words, I do want my 26 year old self back.  Just, how do I do that.  How long will it take for me to function like I did before March 5, 2011??    I do not have to go back to work until September 5th.  That gives me 2 months to rest, heal, and hope for a better physical me.  Is that enough time?  Or am I still going to be feeling effects of drugs from months ago?  That thought scares me so much.

Today is the ribbon cutting ceremony at my place of employment for the grand re-opening after a remodel of almost 2 years.  I plan on being there.  Not in a work capacity, Tim gets to do that.  I plan on being there as a customer and as an almost 19 year employee.  I will see my co-workers and enjoy their company for a while.  I will see a lot of Tim's co-workers as well as bosses(he has a lot).  Some people have not seen me since I went in hiding in March.  Others have.  Either way, I will be there and stay as long as I can.  My plan is to rest today and stay off my feet so I can walk and socialize tonight.  I never would have thought I would have to plan my days of physical activity.  So sad.  But, I am almost done and can not wait.  I will accept whatever the physical future holds, and push as much as possible to get back what I once had.  Who knows, maybe I will write that "What to Expect After Chemotherapy" book anyway......

Disappointment!!!!

Today was to be my next to last chemo.  I could actually say I was excited at the prospect of this infusion being finished and having only ONE MORE TO GO!!  Of  course, I learned a long time ago that any decent plan can go to crap in a short time frame.  This can also be said of any medical treatment.  I have not written because overall I have felt good and wanted to maintain the positive vibe from the last post.  I have exhaustion, fever, chills, leg pains, and neuropathy(especially of the feet).  Those are my major symptoms.  My new medication for the cough and or gag cough has really helped to suppress any episodes of vomit....just one this last two week session.  I can live with these things.  I space out my energy to maximize it's usefulness and try to rest as much as I can.  Including keeping my feet off the ground.

Anyway, today was chemo #7 of 8.  I am ready for my 35th year of life to be over and this portion of cancer treatment to be completed.  I was ready to get this under my belt.  Again, my girlfriend Jennifer Cooper was my driver and dedicated support system for the day.  She has sacrificed so much to come and sit with me during these chemos.  I am eternally grateful for her as my friend, and the relationship we have.  She has done so much to support me and my family during this time.  I will be forever grateful and love her until my last breath.  But, not to get off topic, we get to the doctor at 11:30.  The parking lot and waiting room are packed. Bad sign....swallow first Lorazepam for nerves.  We wait and then I am called back for my blood work.  I get the same girl who one month ago took over 30 minutes to access my port.  Well, today was the same.  I smile.  I only have to do this for chemo ONE MORE TIME.  Then I find Jen in the very full second waiting room.  After an hour of waiting here, we are ready to eat.  So, I call my girls at work.  Amy does not disappoint.  Fresh Milano's....stromboli and garlic knots.  We still have not seen the doctor and our food is here........what to do.  Eat the garlic knots and Bam...we get called back.  And we wait....wait....wait...wait.  We finally eat the stromboli and now I am on the computer checking my files.  WHAT???  They were open for public viewing.  I now knew my labs were good for chemo #7.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.....do I hear something.  Why yes.  It is Marcus, Dr. Tauer's FNP going over my chart with a NEW PERSON.  Well, now I know why we have been waiting so long.  Here comes the new hire FNP asking questions, going over labs, blah, blah, blah.  All looks good, Marcus will see you soon.   WHAT????  It is now 3:30.  I have been here 4 hours and still face a 4 hour infusion.  Really!?!?!?

So, now I have permission to go to the chemotherapy infusion waiting area....to wait.  And here comes my infusion nurse.  Not good.  So, she says as I am laughing hysterically, I have talked it over with the late infusion nurse and our supervisor and we feel it will be better if you come back tomorrow.  WOW!!!!  Surprise, we had to wait so long we have run out of time.  Sure, I say.  I can be a team  player.  Good says the nurse, can you come tomorrow at 7:30 AM.  Now I laugh...again.  I am usually not up at 7:30 but sure.  Why not drive from Lakeland into rush hour traffic in the morning to complete my treatment.  Team player and all.  Well, I ask, can I also get my Neulasta shot tomorrow so I don't have to come back on Friday.  Ummmm....no.  Come back Friday for that.  I AM NOT A HAPPY WOMAN.  I now have one more night to dread my chemo and extend my time until I am finished.  This just sucks.  But hey, what am I to do.  Well, I will open my mouth next time to the physician and explain some of the lacking efficiencies in his office.  If I don't tell him, he may not know.  This just bothers me...period.

So, tomorrow Tim starts the morning at 6:50 heading in to get my treatment.  One more stick.  Luckily, my neighbor came by tonight with her portable DVD player and an entire collection of TV shows for me to watch to help past time.  That put a smile on my face.  Also, we had dinner with the Evans, so tonight was good overall.  Just not what was expected.  Tomorrow, I will get my 7th of 8 chemo doses and come even closer to ending this battle.  I am ready to win and be completed.  Elisha will come and complete my infusion time with me and then we will treat our self to lunch.  Just because.  Hope all is well for my followers.  Again, thank you for your thoughts, prayers, cards, calls, and treasures. 

My Alternate Universe

I just can not turn my brain off.  I have tried watching TV, reading on my Kindle, and just laying in bed.  My brain just will not shut off.  So, here I am at 1:30 in the morning writing on my blog.  Is this what my life has become?  Surprisingly, I had no nap today(unlike the 3 I needed and took yesterday) and have been moving around most of the day.  I just knew going to sleep would be easy....NOT!!! 

Seeing as I am in such good spirits right now(really, no sarcasm), I don't mind not sleeping.  Other than Charlie will be awake in about 4-5 hours, I don't have to get up in the morning.  The boys will find me if I fall asleep upstairs....daddy takes too long to wake up for them.  They just give up and search the house for me.  We have lunch plans with friends at 11 then hoping to visit dad to watch the boys have fun at the pool.  If the lack of sleep and heat don't get me, I will have had one of my best weekends in a while.  It was while I was in bed and my mind was going that I had the thought of what a great place I am in now....

I play this thought in my head of my life in this cancer, surgery, chemotherapy world against what I would be doing in my alternate universe(i.e. my life before cancer) right now.  Funnily enough, for once these two worlds are on the same path.  I feel about 80% of my old self, and considering it seems like it has been months that I can say that, 80% feels like 100%.  So, if I did not have cancer right now and was not on short term disability, I would be starting my vacation week with my husband.  Tim is on vacation.  I am over the moon with excitement about this.  This will be the first week we have had together since before 2-8-11 when I was diagnosed and my world changed.  And our plans for this week would not be any different now as in my alternate universe.  I can stay up because I am on vacation and can sleep late.  Parker will have kindergarten camp at Lakeland Elementary this week every day from 9-12:30.  Pearce will have day care Monday through Wednesday.  So, that means Tim and I will get time to ourselves while the kids are at school.  We can do whatever we want.  We also will get some one-on-one time with both Parker and Pearce.  If I continue to feel more normal than sick I can almost forget for one week that I have cancer.  All of these multiple scenarios keep me awake, but for me they are all positives. 

So now I pray and stay positive hoping that the exhaustion, neuropathy, and pain stay away.  Knock on wood, this is the first week in 12 weeks that I have not had to vomit.  I am living my alternate universe right now as much as possible and loving it.  Someones prayers are working for me and I thank you for that....

Chemo #6 Is OVER!!!! Just 2 More To Go.....

It is official.  I have had 6 doses of chemotherapy.  Four doses of AC(the red devil) and now two doses of Taxol.  I find myself definitely not missing the AC, but the Taxol has not been very nice to me either.  On the brighter side, I lost 5 pounds in 14 days.  See what vomit and no appetite with some fever can do for a girl.  Of course, I do not think I will make my 50 pound total chemo weight loss, but I will continue to aim for close to that goal.  I mean, if I have to have cancer, I might as well loose some pounds for it. 

So far so good.  I have not gotten sick yet from this Taxol.  I did get a new nausea/vomiting medicine added to the other 4 I take.  But, if it works...what is just one more pill.  My energy has not gotten any better.  I do what I can then drop.  If I know I have things to do, I space myself out before I drop.  That pretty much sums me up.  Not much of a party going on over here any more.  But soon.....yeah, I will have a party when I have my birthday in July.  I will be done with chemo and turn 36!!!!  Bring it on, because 35 and the year 2011 have NOT been nice to me.  I am ready to move on to better and brighter beginnings. 

My energy level for tomorrow is all focused on the new carpet we are getting downstairs in the master bedroom and the boy's room.  For a quick reminder, I had a loving cat Emma who only loved me.  She tolerated Parker's birth because she loved me.  She said screw you at Pearce's birth and urinated on our bedroom carpet for two years.  It took that long for my love for her to fade and give Tim the o.k. to find her a new home.  So, the time has come to get some new,clean carpet.  Yeah, that will wipe me out tomorrow.  Who cares.  I will sleep to the smell of new carpet.  I might just sleep on the carpet.  Even better, Tim will be on vacation with me ALL NEXT WEEK!!!!  That is so amazing.  I can not wait.

The chemo infusion yesterday went as before.  Long.  Long waits, long drug infusion, lots of people.  Stupid me, it was the week of Memorial Day so the doctor's office has 4 days to see/treat 5 days worth of patients.  Luckily, Tim brought a yummy lunch for Elisha and I to have.  Even better, Elisha brought her laptop and some rented movies.  After we finally found two chairs together, it really helped to pass the infusion time.  I love my friends...they are my family.  I must stop posting now because the drugs are making my hands slip.  I can only imagine what spell check will not get.  Praying for no leg pains to begin and the vomit to stay away.  Thanks to all the support and love I get from you.  The comments, posts, cards, and calls mean a lot to me. 

Anyone Want To Take A Nap?

Well, I have had one amazing week so far.  I got to go back to work.  By going back to work for one week, I will earn another 3 months of paid leave from work.  I wondered if it was really necessary for me to stay off work.  I mean, I only have 3 more chemo treatments left.  Maybe I could work and finish my chemo??  Yeah, the answer to that is....NO!!  I have such respect for patients being treated for cancer with chemotherapy and still working.  I loved being at work, but I can honestly say I have never felt such exhaustion in my life.  I am still new to the Taxol and have been told that even though I am finished with the first drug(the AC) that chemo works in a cumulative effect.  The AC is still in me as well as the Taxol.  Add trying to work and then come home to my family and house.....wow, I could sleep forever!! 

I mean, I have experienced many levels of tired in my life.  Of course, in college(especially graduate school) I spent many a night studying for exams or partying.  I would miss an entire night of sleep for study or party many times.  I also worked 40-50 hours a week while in graduate school.  Maybe it was the youth or stupidity but exhaustion never entered the picture in my 20's.  Then I got pregnant and felt a physical exhaustion unlike anything before.  Parker wore me out the first 5 months of my pregnancy.  If I could sleep, I did.  The he was born.  Neither of my children were great sleepers as babies.  But Pearce, my sweet Pearce was a TERROR when it came to sleep.  I was not as physically exhausted when pregnant with Pearce as I was Parker.  I like to think that because Parker was just 1 when I got pregnant with Pearce, I was just too busy to experience the exhaustion.  Then Pearce was born and I did not sleep over 4 hours in one night until he was 2.  Pearce could not help that he has a skin issue that tortures him and keeps him awake all night, especially as a newborn who could not express his discomfort other than to cry.  And of course, mommy was his only comfort.  So, I have gone without sleep for long periods of time AND had the physical exhaustion of pregnancy.  I thought I was prepared for how exhausted this fight would make me.  None of that compares to how you feel on chemotherapy. 

I loved being back at work. I have such an amazing group of people that I have been blessed to work with.  Most of the people I work with I have worked with them for 10-20 years.  They have my back as I would have theirs.  I have missed the daily interactions we had so much since I have been off.  I hoped I was super-human and could easily work and take these medicines.  But, I am human and have to admit when I can not do something.  Every day I worked, the energy I had was spent there.  By the time I came home, only the bed could comfort me.  I have never felt so exhausted ever.  I had nothing left for my family.  They could come to me, but I could not physically do much with them.  Every day, it was harder and harder.  I guess it has caught up with me because now I have a low fever, aches, and a headache 8 days post chemo.  So, I gladly accept the benefits my job offers in letting me finish my chemo and use all my strength and energy to fight this cancer and get better.  I now realize how physically demanding my life would be if I had to work and get chemotherapy.  So, I am blessed to be able to have gone back to work as well as blessed to not have to work again until all of this is finished and I am ready.

This week, Parker graduates from pre-k.  I personally find this silly.  I only remember graduation from high school and college.  But now I will sit tonight and watch my baby in a cap and gown.  His entire pre-k class has a program to perform for the parents.  He is so excited for what he calls his "graduation celebration".  Parker also can not wait for the presents from his Baah and Aunt Ree that he was told he was getting for being a big boy and graduating.  He had a huge party at school yesterday, and I was glad to be able to be there for a little of that.  It made him so happy.  It just wore me out.  But, he does not know that and Parker is so proud of himself for being older.  I am not ready for Parker being older, especially knowing we will not have any more babies. 

So today I will rest as the kids run crazy in the house.  I will not be able to go to work.  Fever sort of limits that.  Hopefully, the physical exhaustion will not get much worse as the chemotherapy continues.  But I feel that not likely.  I guess we will just wait and see....

Oh The Joys Of A New Drug

Well, I have finished 4 doses of AC and can honestly say I will not miss that AT ALL!!!  The only thing I miss is at least knowing what to expect for side effects and how long I will have them.  The doctor said this Taxol would be much easier on me, especially from the nausea and vomiting standpoint.  Well, wrong so far.  Maybe what he meant was that I would just vomit faster with this drug and not so many days post treatment.  Who knows.  I am still trying to come to terms with how Taxol affects me.  Lets see.....

Wednesday night and Thursday morning I loved Taxol.  I felt no different .  It was great.  Then Thursday afternoon the nausea hit and by Thursday night I was once again vomiting.  Luckily, it has not happened again.  Just a little nausea but not too bad.  No, then Friday afternoon the pain hit.  Wow, the doctor was not joking about joint/hip pain.  Walking yesterday was torture and bedtime was not great either.  It feels like hundreds of knives are stabbing me in the legs and bottom of my feet.  Not a burning or tingling sensation, no just pure discomfort.  So, back to taking Lortab I go.  Ugh....I was so not wanting to have pain meds again.  Today, I made soccer games, t-ball games, and haircuts.  Then the rest of this pretty sunny day I spent asleep.  Yeah for Tim keeping the boys happy and out of my la-la land.  Hopefully this pain will go away pretty soon.

The actual infusion of Taxol is just long.  I was at the doctor Wednesday for 6&1/2 hours.  Such a long day.   I knew when I pulled in the parking lot the day was going down hill.  The doctors office was packed full of people.  Then it took forever to access my port.  I did not have any bad effects from the actual infusion, just a lot of time spent sitting.  I enjoyed the company of Jennifer and Nell(my mom-in-law).  People actually commented on the party we were having.  I am very lucky to have such love and support surround me to help pass infusion time.  Next time will be pretty much the same...4 hours to get the meds dripped in my blood.  At least by then I will have a pretty good idea what to expect after. 

Monday I start back to work.  I am so excited to be back with my girls in my normal work environment.  I only have to work next week.  After that, I will be on medical leave again for 3 more months.  Enough time to finish all my chemo treatments and get my strength back.  I have always loved my place of  employment.  I have always appreciated the benefits that my job gave me.  I just never realized until I needed them just how lucky I am to have my job and my health benefits.  So, here is to a quick and uneventful recovery from Taxol.  I hope I only start to feel better from here.  If not, I will deal and make adjustments.  I just know that I am closer to being finished than ever before.   That is a happy thought!!

Chemo Number Five---The Taxol

Yeah!!!!  I have started phase two of my chemotherapy treatments.  No more AC for me and now Taxol.  What does that mean????  Well, I do not know yet.  I have talked with my doctors as well as other patients who are taking or have taken this medication.  According to my physicians, this chemo should be physically easier on me.  I should not experience as much nausea, stomach upset, fatigue, mouth ulcers.  We will see.  I have felt better so far post this chemo than the others, but the cloud of disbelief is not too far behind.  Most patients I have talked with say extreme fatigue will be my main issue.  The doctors say either joint/hip pain or neuralgia(burning/tingling sensation in my hands and feet) are my main concern.  If they get severe some dose adjustments will be made.  So, now I wait and see how nice or mean Taxol will be to me.  I did just eat a fabulous meal of pot roast, creamed potatoes, and broccoli.  That is the most food I have consumed in months.  That is huge for me.

I have to give a huge thanks to my mother-in-law, Nell, and my girlfriend Jennifer for being my chemo buddies today.  More than once people were interested in the party we were having while I sat through my four hour infusion.  Thanks to Jen, I had a great lunch from Bogies that the nutritionist was even envious of.  And Nell, well she got the fun of dealing with  me the full 6&1/2 hours.  And for sure, the morning started off not so great.  When we got to West Clinic, there were hardly any parking spots to be found. NNNNOOOO!!!!!  That always means a full house, and I hate having all these other unfortunate cancer patients and caregivers crowding around.  So, we waited 50 minutes to go back for bloodwork.  Oh yeah, I popped my nerve pill instantly.  Then, of course, the phleb girl could not get my port to function when trying to get my blood.  What normally takes 5 minutes took 20 and one extra stick for good measure.  Oh the waiting.  Then off for my 4 hour sit down infusion in a very crowded chemo room.  The drugs given as pre-med plus my multiple nerve pills now have my typing under the influence.  I see a bedtime soon. 

Here is hoping to a smooth post chemo week.  My fingers and toes are crossed.  It seems like I can finally breathe and see an end in sight.  Now off to continue my frantic need to complete live continuing education courses to renew my pharmacy license.  At least the topic tonight is neuropathy and it's treatments.  I might need to pay attention since it is expected for me to have this side effect.  I can not wait for Tim to get home Friday.  I need a hug from him.  I hope to greet him happy and feeling good. 

The Love Of A Child

Well, this will be my last blog until my next chemo scheduled for Wednesday.  Trying to not think about that right now as I am feeling more like me.  Tim kept commenting on how "feisty" I was last night.  He was just happy to see me with more energy and more like the regular Jennifer.  I know my last blog seemed "dark" and upsetting.  It was just a way for me to vent feelings and frustrations that I felt.  I needed to get them out of my system.  And strange enough, after my expressed concerns about my children and missing time with them, Parker did the most amazing and loving gesture the other day....

I was tired...what else is new.  Thursday until Wednesday next week I have the boys with me.  A way to make up time since I have been sick, you could say.  Plus, I am trying to get a little extra Parker time in this summer while I am off work before he has to start kindergarten.....my heart begins palpitations just thinking of my baby starting school.  Anyway, Thursday I was tired and wanting to rest PLUS the boys needed a nap as well.  So, I popped in "Tarzan" and closed my eyes.  If the boys fell asleep as well, bonus....but at least I knew they rested for a while.  I am on my king size bed with both boys.  Parker is right next to me, in the crook of my arm.   Pearce is just past him holding my hand while he watches the movie.  That is enough to make my heart melt....I love holding Pearce's hand.  It is a very intimate gesture he has started to share.  But Parker, my sweet, loving, smart, and understanding son surprised me the most.  He turned to me and took the scarf off my mainly bald head(I feel like Darth Vader taking his helmet off before he dies every time I look at my head).  Parker threw the scarf to the floor, leaned over and kissed my bald head, ever so gently.  Then he kissed my forehead, eyes, nose, then mouth the same gentle way and said how much he loves me.  It just made my heart swell.  To be a child of 5 and make such a loving and innocent gesture of unconditional love to his mother....OH!!!  The guilt faded a little right then.

Personally, I think that is what motivated me the most to have an extra spring in my step yesterday.  Tim can call it feisty, but I just feel better physically and emotionally.  The love and support of my husband I could write about forever.  He amazes and humbles me pretty much every day now.  So, I hope all of you reading this feel the love I have felt in the last 24 hours.  It definitely does a mind and body good.  Have a great weekend and talk soon....

The Dark Side of Cancer

Well, I am half way through my chemo.  I have hit the days when I feel the worst.  At least by now I know what to expect.  That does not mean I am happy to be feeling the physical effects of chemo.  My comfort zone of knowing what to expect will all change next week when I start my new chemo drug...Taxol.  My doctor says most patients, especially women, prefer the Taxol because I may have the same side effects but milder in feeling.  Of course, some patients on my same chemo regimen say the Taxol is totally different in effects with exhaustion being the absolute worst.  So, back to the unknown for me.  Right now, I am just fighting to make it to Thursday when I expect to see a light at the end of this tunnel of physical discomfort. 

I consider myself lucky.  My great support system of family and friends helps me make it through these physically demanding times.  My worst feeling is not nausea.  No it is the vomiting and gag-reflex coughing I experienced when I was pregnant.  The girls at work remember all to well my gag reflex cough.  Exhaustion also plays a roll, but when added to the addition of nausea/vomit medications I can sleep for 15 hours.  Like today, I went to bed last night at 10PM and woke up at 12:30PM.  I am fighting taking my phenergan(the sleep nausea drug) because I want to go to my boys soccer practice tonight.  I already feel like I miss so much of their lives right now....so to the dark side of cancer.

The physical effects from surgery and chemotherapy are expected.  It is understood that a person has physical limitations post mastectomy and then again from the toxic drugs given to kill any hiding cancer cells.  The darker side for me is not just the physical, but the emotional as well.  Am I depressed....oh yeah.  Especially this time of my chemo recovery.  I have addressed that with medication and hope it will make a difference soon.  But beyond depression, I carry such GUILT!!!  Guilt for not being able to do things I took for granted before....housework, my job, driving, cooking, taking care of my sons.  My cancer has disrupted the lives of not only my direct family, but also that of my friends, co-workers, and extended family.  I know all help given to us by these amazing people is given willingly and with love.  But, I also know their lives are also being put on hold to help us.  Tim and I will never ever come close to being able to repay the multiple forms of kindness and love we have been given.  Even with the help given freely and unconditionally, I feel guilt.  My children....oohhh.  The guilt there is indescribable.  I feel I am missing so much by being on the sidelines to take care of myself.   They are being well cared for in a pretty consistent schedule.  My boys are having more time with their grandparents than ever before.  And lucky for me, my mom and mother-in-law respect and understand our parenting boundaries and continue them with the boys.  But, that leaves me not being a parent to my sons.  For now.  I know the point is so I can be there for them later by  taking treatment to get better now.  I know that in 5 or 10 years hopefully my boys will not even remember this time in their lives.  But it still kills me to miss time and activities with them....guilt is a bad thing.  I tell myself I should just be stronger and get over it and be there...but sometimes it is so hard. 

The other dark side of cancer is FEAR!!!  Fear that after doing all this, my cancer will come back.  The recurrence rate of triple negative is highest the first three to five years.  So in the back of my head is the fearful doubt that all of this will be, ultimately, for nothing.  As I have said, I am not going without a fight.  But I have cancer.  Cancer kills people.  Those are the facts.  I do not intend for cancer to kill me.  I have too much life left in me.  I am not so tired or depressed that the option of giving up is even there.  Just that little pebble of doubt can sometimes surface when I feel the worst.  And I have to live with that knowledge.  I just try to throw it in my trash pile when it surfaces. 

Well, now I have successfully upset people.  Sorry, this is the point of the blog for me.  I use it as a forum to update people on my status and well being.  I also use it as a means to vent and purge upsetting thoughts and realities.  I am a type who feels better to say what is on my mind.  Then it is gone and done.  The sun is shinning outside and soccer practices await.  I am off to try and enjoy a wedding cake cupcake from Gigi's cupcakes sent from a good friend and co-worker yesterday.  Next time I shall be feeling more myself.  But I can not lie and say cancer is all roses and cheer.  There are dark sides that I am having to live and deal with.  It just feels better for me to let those feelings out. 

Thanks

Girls Day At "The Spa"

I do not know if I have mentioned here before just how much I despise going to the oncologists office, either for check ups or for chemo.  The atmosphere there is just so depressing and scary.  There are so many people there and a lot of them are older or in much worse shape than me.  It is just the saddest place to be.  The night before chemo I always get an anxiety attack.  The dread just envelops me.  By the day of my chemo, I am over it and just do what has to be done.  My doctor's office tries to compensate...the decor is nice and comfortable.  Plenty of friendly staff.  There are just too many sick people there, and we all know why they are there.  So here is the point to this:

Yesterday, my day of hell chemo turned into a little spa day.  I was lucky enough to have my two girls from work, Diane and Jennifer, with me the whole appointment.  Needless to say, I was there a long time.  Wait times at the clinic are horrendous.  So, we three who have known and worked with each other for almost 20 years spent the time catching up, laughing, telling stories.  It was so easy for me to forget the anxiety and where I was.  Once Diane joined Jen and I the time flew so much faster.  It helped to also visit with a pharmacist who works at the clinic.  We all three worked with her off and on over the last 15 years.  I do no think my girls truly understand just how much their time with me meant.  It made a very depressing and dreaded event turn into one of fun, friendship, and laughter.  So with all of my heart I thank them.

Now I am just waiting for my dreaded side effects to kick in.  I figure I have about another hour before I start to feel bad for the rest of the night.  Generally, nights are harder for me than day.  I start my days later than normal and end up in pajamas by about 5 every night.  Sitting on the sidelines watching my family do dinner, baths, and bed.  By Saturday, I expect to feel the worst.  But, this is my last time with this chemo.  Praying the next chemo is a little nicer to me.  On a bright side, I don't have to shave any more.  It also takes me 15 minutes tops to shower, dress, and go.  I do not feel I look that much different than I did before cancer, at least in an outward appearance.  I have not lost much weight(unfortunately...I was hoping for at least 50 but now just 8 pounds are off).  There are many possitives for me right now.  Half way done....trying to stay positive.  Hope everyone has a great weekend.

And The Fun Continues....

I am home.  The Roberts family successfully made it back to Memphis from our amazing Gulf Shores vacation.  Of course, we made it back to tornado sirens, rain, and flooding.  So glad we came back from the sun, sand, and water(not really).  It is actually weird the pattern that has formed with our family vacations.  We have young kids that do not yet attend school that you can not miss.  So, since Tim and I are blessed with A LOT of vacation time(compared to others)we have always enjoyed the ability to vacation while all the other kids in America are in school.  That means we have free roaming of pretty much anywhere we go...no line, no waiting, and some privacy so our young, active sons can express their excitement and not many people will witness those actions.  Anyway, we usually take our yearly beach trip to Gulf Shores every year in either April or May.  Last year, we left the week of the floods.  Needless to say, driving in that rain and wind scared me to death.  It was horrible.  And what was left over of what we escaped continued to flood Nashville while we sat on the sandy beaches and enjoyed the sun.  Then again this year we had the tornadoes to hit Alabama while we were gone and tons of rain and storms in Memphis as well.  Can't say that we missed that, BUT since my husband and his entire family lives in the Tuscaloosa or Birmingham area it was very upsetting to see the damage caused by Mother Nature.  Places my husband has known since he could remember are gone, for now anyway.  We consider our family very lucky that no one was hurt or had lost their home.  We were lucky.  I plan to continue that luck for my next chemo treatment tomorrow.

So, tomorrow I will officially be half way through my chemo treatment.  YEAH!!!!  It will be my last dose of the AC combo I have been getting that have been giving side effects that last longer and just get worse.  But, the beach helped me to forget(for a little while) that I have cancer.  Don't get me wrong, I spent the first part of my beach trip coughing, vomiting, and resting.  I still enjoyed the scenery, food, and my family.  Just not to the extent of any previous trip.  I love the ocean....the sounds and smells.  It calms me.  Sitting out on the balcony at night, listening to the waves I had a little bit of peace over everything.  I still do not enjoy having cancer...not even close.  I do, however, accept my life to this point.  I will continue to battle so that I can have many, many more vacations with my family.  I will not give in, no matter how I feel to cancer or the drugs that kill it, to not living my life.  I will not slow down.  I will not miss more than I absolutely have to.  Yes, I will take care of myself and listen to my body.  I will also find an acceptable balance of my new life with cancer.  As the last AC drips in my system, I will close my eyes and remember the views from our balconly and try to hear the waves to calm my nerves.

Three treatments down, number four to go tomorrow, then only four more total treatments left after that. I will begin a whole new drug and new side effects to go with that. I am glad to be at this point..seeing a light far away in a very dark and scary tunnel. Until next time....
And please forgive any incorrect spelling. By adding photos, I lost my ability to spell check and my chemo brain spelling could be anything.

On The Eve Of My Third Chemo....

Sorry I have not written in a few days.  I guess when I have my good days I just don't want to think about cancer.  Instead, I spend my time with my boys, husband, and friends.  Trying to make up for lost time, one could say.  I have spent a good amount of time outside, between soccer/t-ball practices and games.  I was so glad to be there for Parker's first t-ball game.  It was beyond cute.  He was the first to bat, and he was so proud.  Pearce could not be outdone by Parker...no, he had to score two goals at his soccer game.  My little men had so much fun. 

Back to reality.  My favorite, lucky number three is back again.  This time for my third round of chemo.  I am not going to lie.  I have had enough yet I have only just begun.  I never got back to my normal self after this chemo.  Maybe because of the cold that is still lingering or maybe the cumulative effect of the chemo is beginning.  Either way, I do not look forward to tomorrow.  Tim says I have the temperment of a bull dog right now.  The anxiety is starting to surface. But, like any good soldier, I will march on into the doctor tomorrow and sit for the toxic drugs to infuse into my blood.  My focus is finishing in time to make it to Parker's second t-ball game at 5:30.  I will be cutting it close, on top of trying to avoid the inevitable illness that is soon to follow my infusion.  My mom has come back in town to lend assistance.  The boys have a full week between practices, games, and school activities for Easter.  At least I won't have to worry about getting the boys everywhere.  I can just stay at home and try very hard to get better. 

I have two motivations to overcome this third chemo.  First, we have the Easter Bunny to prepare for.  I think Easter is Parker's favorite holiday.  He LOVES to cook the eggs, dye the eggs, decorate the eggs, hunt the eggs, then eat the eggs.  Luckily, I have prepared early for Sunday.  Second, after getting their baskets and hunting eggs, we are getting in the car and leaving for the BEACH!!!!!   We are so ready to get out of town.  I am kidding no one.  I will still be sick when we leave.  Drugs and a vomit bags will be close in hand.  I just know I would rather be looking and listening to the ocean than be in my bedroom.  Plus, I know that I will begin feeling better once we get to Gulf Shores, Alabama.  So here is to overcoming my dislike of the number three.  Once we leave, I will not have access to a computer(nor do I want one) so everyone will have a week off from my blog.  All posts that week will be on Facebook.  Talk soon and thanks again for all the love and support for me and my family.  It really means a lot.

Will It Ever End???

Ok.  Well, I am now day 6 post chemo and ready to move on.  This chemo has been different since the first and yet the same.  I said how I was taking my nausea med(Zofran) every 6 hours this time to hold off getting sick like the last time.  I thought, at first, this was working well.  I did not feel as sick Thursday and Friday after chemo like the first time, and I even managed to make it to the boys soccer game Saturday.  I thought that would never happen, and I was so glad to get to go.  But, there is always a but, all the scheduled medicine taking did was put off me feeling like crap until Monday and Tuesday.  I am sure having a cold/sinus problem before starting chemo did not help matters.  By Monday night, I had fever over 100 and could not stop coughing and felt like crap.  Could not eat dinner, just laid in the bed and coughed and sweated.  Tim ended up calling the doctor after hours....I never do that.  So, antibiotics just in case.  Yeah, more pills to swallow.  Tuesday was the worst.  I could not eat or drink, what little I did came right back up.  Yeah, I made it to Parker's t-ball practice but vomited twice to make up for it.  So, now I am done.  Praying to be on the up swing of this second chemo and feeling more like myself.  Thank God for my sister, who has come to my help every day this week.  She even came over and got the kids dressed and took them to school today.  I just don't have the energy to take care of my kids in the morning.....God that kills me.  That is the one thing I always have done, take care of my kids in the morning.  Their morning routine is so messed up right now.  Not to mention, I miss that time with them.  They no longer come to my bed in the morning to cuddle with me....I miss that so much.  The kids have done well so far so I will suck up my missing cuddle time for their happiness.  I just try to make up for it on my good week....that is so why I am ready for it to come back to me.

I have just one goal today, well actually two.  I need to eat and keep food down.  Trying on that one.  My second goal is to be able to pick up my children from school and take them to get their hair cut this afternoon.  It is way overdo.  Plus, I want to feel well enough to enjoy spending time with them.  The weather outside is gorgeous.  Just screaming for some park time.  We will see.  Hopefully, the next time I write it will be me feeling 90% of my old self or more.  I hate this time taken away from me, my family, and friends.  I know it is to help me, heal me, cure me.  I also know it could be so much worse so I try not to complain to much.  I tell myself that this time next year will be something totally different and so much better.  Thanks again for everyone's thoughts and prayers.  I have to send out thanks to Elisha for spending a boring day watching me cough, but keeping me company just the same.  Also, Jen, you are my angel.  Lunch, dinner, and drugs.....you comfort me more than you could know.  Amy(i.e. Rose) your mom's hat she made for me feels so good.  Parker loved the "bling" of the gold.  Thank you for that.  Hopefully, I will be reporting back better and full of good sport stories from the boys games on Saturday...again both at the same time.

The Good and The Bad

So far, chemo #2 has not wiped me out yet like the first.  I would like to think me taking my nausea medications in a scheduled fashion has something to do with it.  My good was actually getting to get out this morning and watch Parker play soccer.  Parker had to be at the ball field this morning at 8:30 to get his t-ball uniform and participate in an opening ceremony.  I missed that.  No way I could be up that early....not like my old self.  Poor Tim was left to get everything together this morning, including both boys.  Pearce had a soccer game at 10.  After I saw a  photo of Parker in his uniform, I was determined to get up and get dressed and  watch my babies play.  Worse case scenario is I throw up around a lot of people.  But, surprisingly, I felt o.k.  Not great, by any means, but much better than the last time.  When we got to the field, Pearce was DONE for the day.  He was NOT going to play...AT ALL!!!  So, he was sent home with my sister to take a nap and Parker stripped down and changed on the sidelines from t-ball uniform to soccer uniform.  That is my boy!!!  Then he went and got his mom a goal!!!  I was so proud of him.  He stepped up to help his team and had fun doing it.  I AM SO GLAD I DID NOT MISS THAT!!!!

Well, the bad.  Lets say I knew I was playing a time game with my hair.  I am scheduled to have it cut back Tuesday.  Well, I have a new stylist.  His name is Tim Roberts.  Just like my doctors warned, my hair was coming out in massive amounts this morning.  Up until today, if I just touched it my hair would break off.  Today, running my hands through my hair or a brush brought out a lot of hair.  So, it was decided.  Tim cut off my hair not to long ago.  Fortunately, I just ordered 3 scarves on Wednesday and they arrived today.  So, Parker cut my hair twice as well as Pearce cut my hair twice(with dad's assistance, of course).  Then, Parker could not take it any more and it was just me and my loving husband.  Tim told me over and over how beautiful I was for every tear that fell down my face.  I knew the hair was going.  It will come back.  I just saw myself in the mirror and saw a woman with cancer.  Cancer was staring me in the face....

I like to think in my sick way that I have not felt so bad from this chemo because I was going to have to deal with the emotional realizations of my disease.  Give and take....As I write this, I am listening to the healing laughter of my children downstairs watching cartoons with my mom, step-dad, and sister.  Always, surrounded by love.  I am very lucky...hair or no hair.  I am hoping to continue with this chemo being mild.  I am now day 3 out of 7 for this second chemo.  I can not wait until Thursday when I expect to have my full energy again.  Until then, I will take care of myself and then those I love and enjoy the time I have with them in this amazing weather.  Tomorrow is yard day...the boys can't wait to dig and plant.  I AM FINE!!!  I have cried and now am over it.  I can't handle a pity party for too long.  Now I have to figure out some styles with these new scarves.  This should be interesting.....

Die Cancer Cells, Die--Round 2

Well, I have finished my second round of chemo.  Two down and 6 more to go.  I am trying a different tactic this time...more preventative and scheduled medications than just responding to symptoms.  I have made it out today, getting my Neulasta shot to keep my counts up and then lunch with Elisha.  Crab cakes at Houston's are AWESOME!!!  Now I am home, popped my nausea pills, and am ready for some television and a nap.  Hopefully, I can continue on this speed. 

Looking forward to a great weekend.  Parker has his first T-ball game tomorrow.  Tim has to have him in uniform at the field at 8:30.  Can we say EARLY?   Apparently there is a presentation with all of the teams before the games begin.  My sister is having to take Pearce to his 10:00 soccer game tomorrow.  I am hoping to make either one of these games, but I have a feeling the chemo will get to me by then.  Keeping my fingers crossed.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.  Will keep you posted as much as possible.  Thanks again to my great friends, Jennifer and Elisha, for taking me for my chemo and shots.  It helps to have the girlfriend support.  I am lucky and blessed to have such amazing friends.  My mom is on duty this weekend.  The boys are in heaven....Doritos and cheese dip yesterday.  Today she got them sticker books....my house will be decorated in an interesting fashion when I wake up tomorrow.  Luckily, tonight my friend Diane is bringing us dinner.  Mom and Tim get the night off, and we get to have Formosa.  Best Chinese in town...their spring rolls and hot and sour soup are yummy.  Talk soon.

P.S.  The hair is not going to make it much longer.  It is now coming out in the shower or if I just touch my hair.  I am hoping to make it until Tuesday when I get to have it cut back and Dolly trimmed.  Battle of the clock.  Luckily, this does not upset me as much.  I know it will come back...just like me.

The Eve Before Chemo #2

What a beautiful day.  It was made even better by shopping with my best girl, Elisha, and engaging in retail therapy.  Why retail therapy???  Because, I really don't look forward to chemo #2....I might burst out in a temper tantrum in the middle of the oncologist office.  I will try to behave, but I make no promises.  But, I am not thinking of chemo.  I am reflecting back on the last 7 days and how much I enjoyed them.  Don't get me wrong, my body is still letting me know almost 2 weeks out that I have cancer and inject toxic drugs in my blood.  The worst of my symptoms occur at night....aches and headaches are my main complaints, as well as some fatigue.  Tylenol helps but takes time and I don't like being slowed down(I might have made that statement a thousand times in 5 weeks).  I have enjoyed great weather since the weekend and spent almost all of my weekend outside.  Both boys had their sports(Pearce-soccer and Parker t-ball), then we spent the rest of Saturday watching Will(the love of Parker and Pearce's life) play baseball.  Sunday was the zoo.  Probably the slowest I have ever walked the zoo, but I walked the whole thing.  That is the most walking I have done since my surgery last month.  It was amazing to spend this time with my boys and Tim.  Family time....that is what the boys call days of no work or school.  I also kept the boys home with me Monday and Tuesday.  We survived major storms, Pump It Up, movies, sports practice, bike time, and good meals out.  And that left today for girl time. 

Of course, I have to give a major shout out to my amazing, wonderful, superhuman, compassionate, loving, and sexy husband Tim.  Ladies, it took me 35 years but I finally was given a blue box wrapped in white ribbon from my favorite store....Tiffany's.  Tim has me pegged(of course e-mails from me with pictures probably tipped him off).  So now, I am the proud owner of a beautiful Tiffany bag and some drop earrings.  What a man.  Of course, the boys had unwrapped the boxes before I could get my hands on them.  That is ok...I am keeping the boxes to remember them by. 

I am all ready for tomorrow.  My girlfriend, Jennifer, has graciously volunteered to take me to chemo tomorrow.  I am going to try and pretend it is a girl spa day....  I have a new bag and blanket.  Snacks and drinks are ready, as well as magazines my Aunt sent me to kill time.  The recovery party is over and time to prepare for some crappy days.  Oh well, my new routine begins.  I at least have some idea of what to expect.  Maybe it will not be as bad as I expect it to be.  If it is, I have my mom, sister, Tim, and friends to pull me through.  My hair is on its last leg....it is not falling out in massive amounts.  No, it is more brittle.  Like my roots are dead and the hair is just going to snap off.  I have scarfs on the way, and Dolly is getting a trim next week.  Parker loved the hat I got today...it will work well at the beach the end of this month.  That is my happy though getting me through the next two chemo's....THE BEACH!!!!!

I Am Back

Finally, I feel like myself.  Lesson learned...give myself 7 days to recover from chemo and then I get 7 days of normal to enjoy.  Wednesday was a disappointing set back day for me.  I woke up with a monster headache, low fever, aches.  What???  I felt better the day before, like about 75% of my normal self.  WHY???  So, I spent all of Wednesday in the bed, on drugs, and oh yeah fun...vomit.  So, I was very happy when Thursday I was up and met my girlfriend, Jennifer, for lunch and a movie.  "The Lincoln Lawyer" is awesome, by the way.  But I was able to eat again and was out and felt better.  Friday, I was non stop.  Shopping with Nell, my mother-in-law, cupcakes from Gigi's, manicure/pedicure, and a date night with the husband.  Food and drink were tolerable....AAHHHHH!!!! 

Lesson learned:  get toxic drugs in my body.  Feel like CRAP for 5-7 days...like I am pregnant ALL over again.  Then, my rainbow will appear and it won't seem so bad.  I had so much energy, planning so much yesterday.  That gives me comfort...to focus, plan, have something to look forward to. 

Now I am off for sports.  My baby, Pearce, has his first soccer game.  I am so excited.  He is even more excited.  It was tough to have to pull Parker off of soccer.  Parker wants T-ball and misses his old soccer coach, so t-ball(at the same time as all of Pearce's soccer games) for Parker and soccer for Pearce.  Parker will resume soccer in the fall with his beloved Coach Mike.  Now I am off to enjoy the glorious sun and my family.  Hope everyone can do the same.

Chemo Sucks

Well, I can finally lift my head off my pillow.  It amazed me how much chemo, and the meds that you are given to fight off chemo, wipes a girl out.  I never threw up....YEH!!!  Basically, I feel exactly like I did when I was pregnant.  Nothing tastes or smells good.  The doctors say drink as much fluid as possible to flush the chemo out....yeah right.  I could barely tolerate enough to drink down my pills, much less a whole lot more.  I know it could be worse, and it might get worse as I go on.  But as I can finally get out and feel closer to myself, I am glad to have round 1 completed. 

Since I felt like crap, physically and emotionallly, I decided not to blog for a few days.  Trying to keep the negative down to a minimum.  I am happy to have ZERO doctors appointments this week.  The rest of the week can be free time.  I am thankful to still have the support of my family and friends.  I do not know how others do it that don't have the support I do.  The most housework I have done is laundry, and that is only when my mother-in-law is out of town.  She does laundry faster than me.  I am still on leave from work.  My sister, mom, and mother-in-law have pretty much had the run of the land with my boys.  I told Parker that I hope to be fun again soon.   I find it sad that it is a treat for them to have me pick them up from school.  My how priorities can change in a month.  Now if I could only get over the discomfort of these bricks, I mean tissue expanders, in my chest.  Then I could really feel like myself. 

I still have my hair....have not shaved the feminine mustache because I am waiting for that hair to fall out.  Watch, I will have not a stitch of hair on my entire body but a mustache to rival any man.  Oh well, to repeat my new phrase...it could alwasy be worse.  Will talk to everyone soon, and with a much more positive outlook.  Sorry, cancer sucks.  I knew chemo and I would not be good friends.  Chemo is my necessity for survival so I tolerate it.  I now know what to expect so hopefully it will not get me as upset next time.  Thanks for all the prayers, notes, texts, calls, and thoughts.  They really do mean a lot.

Die, Cancer Cells, Die....Chemo Round 1

It is hard to believe that 3 weeks ago today I had my mastectomy.  I am still sore and tight but much better than I anticipated.  My doctor cleared me to drive, that makes me and my boys happy.  I can not drive for very long before I get uncomfortable, but it feels freeing to be in control of my transportation. 

This has been a very rough week.  My best friend's father died unexpectedly.  He was such an amazing man and his sudden death is very sobering.  I have witnessed too much death this year...all unnecessary or unexplainable.  It hurt me that I could not comfort those who needed it because I have to take care of myself first.  I know she understands that....the last thing she could tolerate would be me in a hospital bed.  But as I have said before, I like to help and care for those I love.  Being physically limited in this capacity angers me.  The look of fear in Parker's eyes when I say I am going to the doctor angers me.  I guess the anger stage of cancer is rearing its ugly head.  I will not let it affect my fighting attitude.  I am a firm believer that a positive outlook goes a long way.

On that note, I started the first steps of killing any cancer cells still left in my body.  I no longer have breast cancer...that was surgically removed three weeks ago with my breast tissue and lymph nodes.  I am fighting now against the triple negative aggressive cancer cells that might have already broken off from that original tumor and are living in my cells now.  For that, modern science has chemo.  Thursday every 2 weeks is my chemo schedule.  I was totally unprepared yesterday for the process....I will not be that way next time.  I have a baseline of my blood counts to compare how much the chemo combo I am on will affect me.  I just got back from getting my Neulasta shot today.  That is given to help keep my white count up so I can continue my chemo every 2 weeks instead of every 3 weeks.  The room where I received my chemo was bright with views looking over a pond and trees in full bloom for spring.  Of course, I am surrounded by other patients also getting their treatment but luckily it was not too crowded.  They keep the chemo room so cold...I was glad to have gotten a blanket sent to me by my friend Becca especially for this reason.  It comforts me to know I am loved and have the warmth of those thoughts surround me.  I was there for only 2 hours, less that I thought.  I got a steroid and two drugs to prevent nausea.  Then I was given my Cytoxin and Adriamycin over 45 minutes and then I was done.  Immediately, my nose and eyes burned but not for long.  I was happy to be done with this first round.

So, what does any girl do who has accomplished something???  Well, if it is me, I go shopping.  That is right.  I did not know how long I had until I started to feel bad and was limited to home.  I wanted to take advantage of the time.  Tim took me to a jewelry store and I am now the proud owner of some beautiful earrings.  Funny, within 1 hour of the chemo my hot flashes started.  I know the clerks thought me weird as I am fanning myself nonstop when it is 50 outside.  Tim and I also did a little shopping for him, since he has to go through this almost as much as me....just minus the drugs.  Here is where I pushed too hard.  I needed to eat, like immediately.  While eating sushi and soup, boy did the nausea and dizziness set in.  Medications, I could not swallow them fast enough.  I never threw up, but it scared me to feel that bad in just a few hours.  I was hoping to have until Saturday before I really felt anything.  Just goes to show you can never plan anything without expecting those plans to change.  Today, I just feel very tired.  From the chemo, nausea drugs, or both.....who knows.  I am told the Neulasta shot will make my joints and hips ache and hurt.  More fun....luckily planning a semi-restful weekend unless I just get totally wiped out.

One session down, seven more to go.  I can do this and finish until the end when I hear the words I am cancer free.  Having pretty earrings to remind me of the positives does not hurt either.  I am also so proud of Parker, who is learning to read with help from my mom.  Every book that he reads me a word makes my heart soar.  I have so much to be thankful for and I pull my strength from that.  I hope everyone has a great weekend and this weather warms back up soon.

Doctors, Doctors, and More Doctors

Well, I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend.  So far spring has been amazing here...I am loving every minute I get to be outside.  We had changing of the guards in our house over the weekend.  Tim's loving, amazing, super-human mom left to go back to Alabama, and my amazing mother came in to help us out for another week.  Since I start my first chemo this Thursday, we are having backup help since we don't know how I will respond.  I now also know why I was given medical leave.  Besides healing from my surgery, I also have so many doctors visits every week.  This is CRAZY.  Last week, I went to 5 doctors appointments in 3 days.  Dentist, oncologist, plastic surgeon(twice), and my breast cancer surgeon.  This week isn't much different.  Wednesday is the only day I am not going to a doctor's office.  Of course, it is early in the week....things may change and that may fill up also.

Friday, I had my last two drain tubes removed.  That was so freeing to have them gone.  Pearce thinks mommy is all better now because those tubes were removed.  The nurse at my plastic surgeon felt pretty confident I would have to come in Monday and have fluid removed that would accumulate over the weekend.  So, of course I went in today.  Dr Adams(my plastic surgeon) did not think the fluid accumulation was that much so instead of draining me he decided to FILL my tissue expanders instead.  Pretty exciting....I wasn't planning on having any fills for about 3 more weeks.  Since I was filled some when I had my surgery, and I now have gotten a second fill, I will not go back to see Dr Adams until my chemo is complete. He doesn't want to risk me getting an infection with me getting needle sticks in his office.  So now I am walking around with about 650 cc of saline in my expanders.  I look like about a good "B"  cup.  Tomorrow, I have an ECHO done just to make sure my heart is healthy and should tolerate my chemo.  Then no more doctor visits until chemo.....


I had a wonderful dinner with Tim last night at Ruth Chris steak house.  I read somewhere not to eat my favorite foods too many days close to my chemo just in case I get real sick.  Those foods would then probably not be my favorites any more.  So nothing beats a good steak cooked in butter and creamed spinich.  I also consumed my last martini for a while....it was so good.  Now I am getting ready for spring athletics.  Parker starts his first T-ball practice tomorrow at 5:30 followed by soccer (with Pearce) at 6:30.  Full night tomorrow.  I can't wait.  Hopefully I will not get sick from chemo and can even make T-ball practice Saturday.....we will see.   My mom has gotten the boys and is taking them to a movie, so I have a couple of quiet hours at home.  Either a nap or a good book should help pass the quiet time.  Talk to everyone soon.

I Am An Organized Person

Wow, two blogs in 3 days.  I must be inspired.  Not really, just have a few updates to share.

Yesterday, I had 2 doctor's appointments.  I had very high expectations that I would loose my last two drain tubes and bulbs.  Those expectations were dashed before I made it to the first docotor.  I am still draining too much fluid so those 2 tubes must stay in until Friday....UGH!!!  I am so over the tubes that stop me from having a shower and make my clothes look like I a stealing products from a store.  Also, I have to continue taking the nasty aftertaste leaving antibiotic as long as my tubes are in....so tomorrow definately I get my tubes out and can cut back on some of my pill popping.  Anyway, my first appointment was to my breast cancer surgeon.  Suprisingly, it will be the last time I see this kind, comforting, and competent surgeon.  He has no reason to follow me any longer, since his goal was to cut out my cancer.  He did that, and did it well.  Now I am off to the care of my plastic surgeon and oncologist for the duration of my treatment.

Then I left his office and went to the oncologist.  I REALLY DISLIKE GOING TO THE ONCOLOGIST OFFICE.  The doctor is great and everyone is nice, but it just depresses me to be there.  All of these people, almost all a lot older, just sitting in a room having cancer together.  Just not how I want to spend my afternoons...and you are there HOURS when you go.  This was the appointment to discuss my chemo treatments, learn more about side effects, and the general procedure for chemo days.  Well, I START MY CHEMO NEXT THURSDAY.  Sooner that I thought but time to finish the "surgery stage" and begin my "kill cancer cells" stage.  I now have like 5 differnent appointments with multiple doctors before next Thursday.  This is where I am glad(and Tim is even happier) that I am an organization freak.  Plastic surgeon, cardiologist for an ECHO test, plastic surgeon again, oncologist on 2 different days.  I will be spending a lot of next week in the car it seems.  Let the battle begin!!!! 

I got a phone call from my genetic counselor today......and the results were in much sooner than expected.  But lucky me, I am not BRACA positive.  This means my genetic history is not in play here so I will not need my ovaries taken out as a preventative measure against posible ovarian cancer.  So when I finish my 8 chemo treatments, given every 2 weeks, for a total of 4 months, I will not have a partial hysterectomy waiting for me around the corner.  I will finish my plastic surgery and then be done.  I am grateful I only have 4 months of chemo...it will be hard but not as long as I expected.  So hopefully, by my birthday in July and before Parker starts school in August, I will be done fighting cancer and hope to be cancer free.  That would be a great birthday gift. 

I have kept the boys home with me today.  The weather was just too nice, and I wanted to be with them.  Of course, by this time in the day, they are driving me crazy but I would not have it any other way.  Poor Nell, I know they are wearing her out.  So off we go for lunch and to enjoy the sun for a little while.  Then maybe a nap before some friends come over for dinner.  Overall, this is going to be a great day.

How I Have Passed the Last Few Days

Hello my friends, family, and followers,

It was brought to my attention that I have not posted in several days.  I guess I never thought people would actually check this blog every day to see how I was.  So, now I feel guilty for depriving everyone of my daily boredom.  Seriously, I do appreciate the thoughts and concerns.  I guess 6 days can have a lot happen if I don't write any of it down.  Unfortunately, not much of anything has happened to me since the last post.

I went Friday and had 2 of my 4 drain tubes removed.  That was not the most fun, but I have had worse and it is definitely nicer having only 2 drains/bulbs to babysit.  I also was treated to a nice lunch with friends and family.  Then I was done for.  See, that is the thing.  I am slowly getting out, but I have a very narrow window of time my body can tolerate this activity.  THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY.  I want to hold my children....I can not pick them up, take them to the zoo, or even walk to the neighborhood playground with them.  THIS IS STARTING TO KILL ME SLOWLY.  I over did my activity twice over the weekend and spent the rest of my days in bed or sitting down.  I am having to learn not how to slow down but to pretty much STOP!!  I think somewhere in my blog description I talked about being a control freak and hating my body taking control of my life...well, it is starting now.  Sorry, I just had to vent.  I know I am fortunate.  Everyone who sees me says I look great and can't believe I am even out, dressed, or functioning.  I am blessed to have my family help me every day to get dressed.  I am blessed to have friends who call and check on me daily.  I am blessed for all the flowers, baskets, and meals we have received.  I take none of this for granted.  I just have so much time to think, and not much physical ability to do anything.  I have been praying daily for a friend's father who has to have bypass surgery.  I am physically limited to what I can do for her.  That bothers me, a lot.  I like to do for others...I always have.  It is nice having so much done for me and having the time to heal.  I just hate how limited I am to those I love and care about.  Soon, I will get my full strength back.  I am just counting down the days. 

Tomorrow is a big day.  I have 2 doctors to see.  The first is my breast cancer surgeon.  He will take out the last 2 tubes.  This will leave 4 holes in my chest that will have to heal and close.  At least I can have a shower tomorrow afternoon.  I love a good bath, but not when only my bottom half can enjoy it.  Then I go see my oncologist.  This will hopefully be the visit that clarify what my chemo plan is, more detailed about time and duration.  I have so many questions that hopefully will be answered.  Of course, these couple hours out and moving will exhaust me.  I will just take a pain pill and have a long nap. 

On a positive, the weather this weekend was beautiful.  I loved just sitting outside with my Kindle reading or watching the boys ride their 20 different types of wheeled vehicles.  These last two days of rain and lower temps don't brighten my mood, but I know in a few more days the sun will be out and the temps are warming up.  I plan on walking as much as I can tolerate. One to build my strength and two to enjoy the beauty God has given us.  Every day I look out my bathroom window to my Ann Magnolia tree Tim planted a couple of years ago.  The blooms are beautiful and bring such a smile to my face.  Hope everyone is enjoying their spring break.

I Look Like I Have Grenades Around My Body

Hope everyone is finding themselves well on this dreary Thursday.  I know it would be much easier to sit at home and recuperate if the weather would just be a little nicer....gray is not my color, either.  I am so looking forward to the weather being sunny and warmer.  Then I can go out and walk a little and not feel stuck in the house.

On a good note, I could not take the jail sentence of being home any longer.  Yesterday, I forced Tim to take me to lunch and a movie.  It was so nice to not be in pajamas and to get fresh air.  Probably was not quite ready for such a huge undertaking, but it was well worth the effort. The movie was a comedy....did not plan that out too well,either.  They say laughter is the best medicine.  It was great to also meet a friend there to enjoy the time out.

 I was able to wear one of Tim's rain jacket pull overs to cover my grenade belly.  I have not read or spoken to any breast cancer surgery patient who found the drain tubes you must wear post surgery to be fun.  My four drain tubes and bulbs are on my front just under my two deformed(but they will get there) breasts.   I have gotten over the grossness of them....poor Tim is the lucky one who gets to drain and measure fluid every day.  The problem I have with these bulbs and tubes is they fall right over my stomach.  Clothes that were once loose on me I can not get over these bulky bulbs.  Mom finally found me some cami tops to wear under my pajamas, because these bulbs make it hard to button them closed.  So the cami presses the four bulbs down and it looks like I am ready to explode via grenades.  Hopefully, I will get some out tomorrow and the rest next week. 

Good news!!!  When the doctors did my surgery, my first sentinel node was positive with cancer.  As a result, I had 13 other lymph nodes removed and tested.  I finally learned today that the other nodes were all clear.  YEAH!!!!!!  So now I continue to rest and recover so I can start my chemo battle.  My dad is bringing me his famous lasagna for dinner....what a girl has to do to get such treatment.  Can not wait for this yummy treat. 

Hope everyone has a good start to their weekend.  Come on spring!!!!!!

Wild Rides Not Wanted

I AM HOME!!!!  YEAH!!!  I NO LONGER HAVE BREAST CANCER!!!!!   YEAH!!!!  Nothing but positive from those statements.

Thanks to my wonderful doctors, Dr. Patterson and Dr. Adams, I no longer have a cancerous tumor in my breast tissue.  It is gone.  Now it is time for my surgery to be put behind me and heal.  The physical part of this will not take as long as the emotional, but I am glad to be home and start the healing process.

I had wonderful nurses and doctors take care of me the last few days.  I was never uncomfortable or alone.  My husband has been my ROCK!!!!  I never lucked out more than the day I married him(thanks Shari and John for the recommendation).  We have bonded so much over the last month, but even more during my hospital stay.  He never left my side.  I love him so much.  There will never be enough words for me to express how lucky I am to have him as my partner.  It was also such a comfort before and after surgery to have both my friends and family around me....to offer comfort and humor is such a scary time.  The multiple gifts of flowers were beautiful and uplifting.  The nurses liked them even more than me. 

So, now I am home with four drainage bulbs under my chest.  My chest and right arm are numb, still.  This is probably for the best.  There was a tumor in one lymph node, so the doctors also removed three more and sent them off for testing.  The doctor is optimistic that the tumor was only in that one node.  He has not changed my stage of cancer from 2 to 3 nor does he think I will need radiation.  It just depends on the test results that I should get later this week. So here I am praying once again that my lymph nodes will be clear.

Parker has been so sweet trying to take care of me.  Both boys were well prepared by their grandparents to be gentle with mom.  I love those two boys.  It was hard coming home from the women's hospital without a baby in my arms....that is the only time I have ever been there, to have babies.  But I bring home life, none the less.  My life.....

Thank you all for your prayers and support.  Trust me, I could feel the warm wishes and prayers envelop and comfort me.  Now I am off for a pain pill and a nap.  I plan on enjoying this recovery time with my family and friends who have generously offered their time to stay with me.  Let us see what trouble I can get in half drugged and unable to wear a shirt....HHHMMMM.

Dolly -- My New Alter Ego

This is my last post before surgery. Wow, I managed to create 3 whole posts before I have surgery.  Call me the over achiever!!  I have spent the last two days running around like a mad woman trying to entertain my boys and take care of business.  First, I have newly painted fingers and toes.  Necessity for me, as many of my friends and family well know.  Tim also wanted us to have a family picture taken before the surgery.  I was not wanting to do this...we get pictures of the boys once every year after Parker's birthday.  After cancelling two separate appointments, I finally gave in to Tim and agreed to a family picture as well as the boys pictures.  I have new pajamas and a clean house...at least the house was clean when I left, anyway.  I also managed to get lovely purple marks all around the both breasts by the plastic surgeon.....he signed them with his initials.   I have given more blood for genetic tests.  I have also had an amazing dinner with my close friends and family.  It was great fun for me and a stress reliever.  The three glasses of wine I had did not hurt  the atmosphere, either.  (Wine has always been my liquid Xanax).  Finally, I managed to get Dolly.  Who is Dolly?  She is my new wig.  I wore her for several hours today before the anxiety took over and I yanked her off my head.  I think it is going to take some serious time to like Dolly.  I appreciate that I have her, but I really resent her presence.  Parker HATES her.  I hope if I let him style her up with some clips he might get a little more responsive. 

I am having a sensory overload of emotions right now.  Anger, fear, resentment....fostered with love, awe, and hope.   My doctors speak as if this is a non-event.  Quickly done and quickly recovered.  I am trying to force those ideas to stick.  I have been blessed with an outpouring of love from many different people.  This constant reminder of the love and support I have around me helps more than I can say.  I have learned that not all tears are bad.  Tears from loved ones are healing and comforting.  I hate to cause my family and friends stress or angst. I feel much guilt for that, but I also know I am unable to control this situation I have found myself.  I love them as much as they love me and am grateful for them every day...now it seems every second.  Forgive me for my frustrations and tears, and thank you for listening and drying my eyes. 

Part of me feels that I will not be the same person when I wake up tomorrow.  I now have two lives...the life pre-cancer and the life I have ahead of me post-cancer.  A clean slate....I plan on this slate being just as full as the first one, if not more.  Maybe even more colorful and exciting that it would have been without this change in my life path.

"3" Is Not My Lucky Number

Four more days until my surgery.  The time is moving both fast and slow.  I have been overjoyed by the outpouring of love and support from my family and friends over the last few days.  It means more to me than you could ever imagine.  For all of you followers and friends, here is a little background about my cancer.  Why I now consider the number 3 not lucky for me and if I do ever buy a lottery ticket, the number 3 will not be a number chosen.

Strike one-  my tumor is 3.2 cm in size.  That is considered medium in size.  It would be best if it was 2cm or smaller.  But not me...go big or go home.  This puts me in Stage II.  My lymph node involvement is unknown at this time.  That will be discovered during my surgery.  The lymph nodes are very important to be clear of cancer.....chant "LYMPH NODES NO CANCER"  1000 times and maybe I will luck out.

Strike two-  my cancer is Grade 3(there is that number I again).  Grade 1 is happy, good cancer.  Grade 3 is aggressive, fast growing cancer.  BAD GRADE 3!!!!!  Another reason I do not want lymph node involvement....

Strike three -  this is the worst strike of all.  When you consider my hormone receptor status, I came back estrogen, progesterone, and HER2 negative.  One would think it was a good thing to be negative to hormone receptor site cancer....WRONG!!!  I am in a category classified as "triple negative"(triple=3...that bad number again).  Triple negative goes along with my young age, size, and grade of this aggressive cancer.  I have listened to the recorded oncologist pathology consultation so many times.  I was numb after he educated me about my cancer. It was worse than I thought.  Triple negative is a new thing I had not heard of before.  As my doctor said at the visit, this is the one time you would want a positive result on a cancer pathology.  Triple negative means I fight harder. 
This site can give you more information about triple negative breast cancer:   www.tnbcfoundation.org

I may have 3 strikes, but I most definitely am not out.  My surgery Friday will be a double mastectomy with reconstructive surgery included.  The details of that I will go into later.  My focus now is the surgery and praying so hard that my lymph nodes are not affected.  I should only be in the hospital for 1-2 full days.  Not that long, considering.  I will be out of work for 8 weeks(one of those being vacation time).  Before I come back to work, I will have already had 2 or 3 chemo doses under my belt.  More on the chemo after the surgery.  I can only handle one step at a time.

That is enough cancer talk for today.  As promised, here is my positive for the day.  When Tim and I came home from the Bama v. Ole Miss game Saturday, my mail included a lovely yellow slip from the government.  That is right... on top of everything else I have been called to jury duty just 5 days after my surgery. Obviously I can't go to jury duty less than one week after surgery.  At least I am now excused from jury duty....YEAH!!!!