Anyone Want To Take A Nap?

Well, I have had one amazing week so far.  I got to go back to work.  By going back to work for one week, I will earn another 3 months of paid leave from work.  I wondered if it was really necessary for me to stay off work.  I mean, I only have 3 more chemo treatments left.  Maybe I could work and finish my chemo??  Yeah, the answer to that is....NO!!  I have such respect for patients being treated for cancer with chemotherapy and still working.  I loved being at work, but I can honestly say I have never felt such exhaustion in my life.  I am still new to the Taxol and have been told that even though I am finished with the first drug(the AC) that chemo works in a cumulative effect.  The AC is still in me as well as the Taxol.  Add trying to work and then come home to my family and house.....wow, I could sleep forever!! 

I mean, I have experienced many levels of tired in my life.  Of course, in college(especially graduate school) I spent many a night studying for exams or partying.  I would miss an entire night of sleep for study or party many times.  I also worked 40-50 hours a week while in graduate school.  Maybe it was the youth or stupidity but exhaustion never entered the picture in my 20's.  Then I got pregnant and felt a physical exhaustion unlike anything before.  Parker wore me out the first 5 months of my pregnancy.  If I could sleep, I did.  The he was born.  Neither of my children were great sleepers as babies.  But Pearce, my sweet Pearce was a TERROR when it came to sleep.  I was not as physically exhausted when pregnant with Pearce as I was Parker.  I like to think that because Parker was just 1 when I got pregnant with Pearce, I was just too busy to experience the exhaustion.  Then Pearce was born and I did not sleep over 4 hours in one night until he was 2.  Pearce could not help that he has a skin issue that tortures him and keeps him awake all night, especially as a newborn who could not express his discomfort other than to cry.  And of course, mommy was his only comfort.  So, I have gone without sleep for long periods of time AND had the physical exhaustion of pregnancy.  I thought I was prepared for how exhausted this fight would make me.  None of that compares to how you feel on chemotherapy. 

I loved being back at work. I have such an amazing group of people that I have been blessed to work with.  Most of the people I work with I have worked with them for 10-20 years.  They have my back as I would have theirs.  I have missed the daily interactions we had so much since I have been off.  I hoped I was super-human and could easily work and take these medicines.  But, I am human and have to admit when I can not do something.  Every day I worked, the energy I had was spent there.  By the time I came home, only the bed could comfort me.  I have never felt so exhausted ever.  I had nothing left for my family.  They could come to me, but I could not physically do much with them.  Every day, it was harder and harder.  I guess it has caught up with me because now I have a low fever, aches, and a headache 8 days post chemo.  So, I gladly accept the benefits my job offers in letting me finish my chemo and use all my strength and energy to fight this cancer and get better.  I now realize how physically demanding my life would be if I had to work and get chemotherapy.  So, I am blessed to be able to have gone back to work as well as blessed to not have to work again until all of this is finished and I am ready.

This week, Parker graduates from pre-k.  I personally find this silly.  I only remember graduation from high school and college.  But now I will sit tonight and watch my baby in a cap and gown.  His entire pre-k class has a program to perform for the parents.  He is so excited for what he calls his "graduation celebration".  Parker also can not wait for the presents from his Baah and Aunt Ree that he was told he was getting for being a big boy and graduating.  He had a huge party at school yesterday, and I was glad to be able to be there for a little of that.  It made him so happy.  It just wore me out.  But, he does not know that and Parker is so proud of himself for being older.  I am not ready for Parker being older, especially knowing we will not have any more babies. 

So today I will rest as the kids run crazy in the house.  I will not be able to go to work.  Fever sort of limits that.  Hopefully, the physical exhaustion will not get much worse as the chemotherapy continues.  But I feel that not likely.  I guess we will just wait and see....

Oh The Joys Of A New Drug

Well, I have finished 4 doses of AC and can honestly say I will not miss that AT ALL!!!  The only thing I miss is at least knowing what to expect for side effects and how long I will have them.  The doctor said this Taxol would be much easier on me, especially from the nausea and vomiting standpoint.  Well, wrong so far.  Maybe what he meant was that I would just vomit faster with this drug and not so many days post treatment.  Who knows.  I am still trying to come to terms with how Taxol affects me.  Lets see.....

Wednesday night and Thursday morning I loved Taxol.  I felt no different .  It was great.  Then Thursday afternoon the nausea hit and by Thursday night I was once again vomiting.  Luckily, it has not happened again.  Just a little nausea but not too bad.  No, then Friday afternoon the pain hit.  Wow, the doctor was not joking about joint/hip pain.  Walking yesterday was torture and bedtime was not great either.  It feels like hundreds of knives are stabbing me in the legs and bottom of my feet.  Not a burning or tingling sensation, no just pure discomfort.  So, back to taking Lortab I go.  Ugh....I was so not wanting to have pain meds again.  Today, I made soccer games, t-ball games, and haircuts.  Then the rest of this pretty sunny day I spent asleep.  Yeah for Tim keeping the boys happy and out of my la-la land.  Hopefully this pain will go away pretty soon.

The actual infusion of Taxol is just long.  I was at the doctor Wednesday for 6&1/2 hours.  Such a long day.   I knew when I pulled in the parking lot the day was going down hill.  The doctors office was packed full of people.  Then it took forever to access my port.  I did not have any bad effects from the actual infusion, just a lot of time spent sitting.  I enjoyed the company of Jennifer and Nell(my mom-in-law).  People actually commented on the party we were having.  I am very lucky to have such love and support surround me to help pass infusion time.  Next time will be pretty much the same...4 hours to get the meds dripped in my blood.  At least by then I will have a pretty good idea what to expect after. 

Monday I start back to work.  I am so excited to be back with my girls in my normal work environment.  I only have to work next week.  After that, I will be on medical leave again for 3 more months.  Enough time to finish all my chemo treatments and get my strength back.  I have always loved my place of  employment.  I have always appreciated the benefits that my job gave me.  I just never realized until I needed them just how lucky I am to have my job and my health benefits.  So, here is to a quick and uneventful recovery from Taxol.  I hope I only start to feel better from here.  If not, I will deal and make adjustments.  I just know that I am closer to being finished than ever before.   That is a happy thought!!

Chemo Number Five---The Taxol

Yeah!!!!  I have started phase two of my chemotherapy treatments.  No more AC for me and now Taxol.  What does that mean????  Well, I do not know yet.  I have talked with my doctors as well as other patients who are taking or have taken this medication.  According to my physicians, this chemo should be physically easier on me.  I should not experience as much nausea, stomach upset, fatigue, mouth ulcers.  We will see.  I have felt better so far post this chemo than the others, but the cloud of disbelief is not too far behind.  Most patients I have talked with say extreme fatigue will be my main issue.  The doctors say either joint/hip pain or neuralgia(burning/tingling sensation in my hands and feet) are my main concern.  If they get severe some dose adjustments will be made.  So, now I wait and see how nice or mean Taxol will be to me.  I did just eat a fabulous meal of pot roast, creamed potatoes, and broccoli.  That is the most food I have consumed in months.  That is huge for me.

I have to give a huge thanks to my mother-in-law, Nell, and my girlfriend Jennifer for being my chemo buddies today.  More than once people were interested in the party we were having while I sat through my four hour infusion.  Thanks to Jen, I had a great lunch from Bogies that the nutritionist was even envious of.  And Nell, well she got the fun of dealing with  me the full 6&1/2 hours.  And for sure, the morning started off not so great.  When we got to West Clinic, there were hardly any parking spots to be found. NNNNOOOO!!!!!  That always means a full house, and I hate having all these other unfortunate cancer patients and caregivers crowding around.  So, we waited 50 minutes to go back for bloodwork.  Oh yeah, I popped my nerve pill instantly.  Then, of course, the phleb girl could not get my port to function when trying to get my blood.  What normally takes 5 minutes took 20 and one extra stick for good measure.  Oh the waiting.  Then off for my 4 hour sit down infusion in a very crowded chemo room.  The drugs given as pre-med plus my multiple nerve pills now have my typing under the influence.  I see a bedtime soon. 

Here is hoping to a smooth post chemo week.  My fingers and toes are crossed.  It seems like I can finally breathe and see an end in sight.  Now off to continue my frantic need to complete live continuing education courses to renew my pharmacy license.  At least the topic tonight is neuropathy and it's treatments.  I might need to pay attention since it is expected for me to have this side effect.  I can not wait for Tim to get home Friday.  I need a hug from him.  I hope to greet him happy and feeling good. 

The Love Of A Child

Well, this will be my last blog until my next chemo scheduled for Wednesday.  Trying to not think about that right now as I am feeling more like me.  Tim kept commenting on how "feisty" I was last night.  He was just happy to see me with more energy and more like the regular Jennifer.  I know my last blog seemed "dark" and upsetting.  It was just a way for me to vent feelings and frustrations that I felt.  I needed to get them out of my system.  And strange enough, after my expressed concerns about my children and missing time with them, Parker did the most amazing and loving gesture the other day....

I was tired...what else is new.  Thursday until Wednesday next week I have the boys with me.  A way to make up time since I have been sick, you could say.  Plus, I am trying to get a little extra Parker time in this summer while I am off work before he has to start kindergarten.....my heart begins palpitations just thinking of my baby starting school.  Anyway, Thursday I was tired and wanting to rest PLUS the boys needed a nap as well.  So, I popped in "Tarzan" and closed my eyes.  If the boys fell asleep as well, bonus....but at least I knew they rested for a while.  I am on my king size bed with both boys.  Parker is right next to me, in the crook of my arm.   Pearce is just past him holding my hand while he watches the movie.  That is enough to make my heart melt....I love holding Pearce's hand.  It is a very intimate gesture he has started to share.  But Parker, my sweet, loving, smart, and understanding son surprised me the most.  He turned to me and took the scarf off my mainly bald head(I feel like Darth Vader taking his helmet off before he dies every time I look at my head).  Parker threw the scarf to the floor, leaned over and kissed my bald head, ever so gently.  Then he kissed my forehead, eyes, nose, then mouth the same gentle way and said how much he loves me.  It just made my heart swell.  To be a child of 5 and make such a loving and innocent gesture of unconditional love to his mother....OH!!!  The guilt faded a little right then.

Personally, I think that is what motivated me the most to have an extra spring in my step yesterday.  Tim can call it feisty, but I just feel better physically and emotionally.  The love and support of my husband I could write about forever.  He amazes and humbles me pretty much every day now.  So, I hope all of you reading this feel the love I have felt in the last 24 hours.  It definitely does a mind and body good.  Have a great weekend and talk soon....

The Dark Side of Cancer

Well, I am half way through my chemo.  I have hit the days when I feel the worst.  At least by now I know what to expect.  That does not mean I am happy to be feeling the physical effects of chemo.  My comfort zone of knowing what to expect will all change next week when I start my new chemo drug...Taxol.  My doctor says most patients, especially women, prefer the Taxol because I may have the same side effects but milder in feeling.  Of course, some patients on my same chemo regimen say the Taxol is totally different in effects with exhaustion being the absolute worst.  So, back to the unknown for me.  Right now, I am just fighting to make it to Thursday when I expect to see a light at the end of this tunnel of physical discomfort. 

I consider myself lucky.  My great support system of family and friends helps me make it through these physically demanding times.  My worst feeling is not nausea.  No it is the vomiting and gag-reflex coughing I experienced when I was pregnant.  The girls at work remember all to well my gag reflex cough.  Exhaustion also plays a roll, but when added to the addition of nausea/vomit medications I can sleep for 15 hours.  Like today, I went to bed last night at 10PM and woke up at 12:30PM.  I am fighting taking my phenergan(the sleep nausea drug) because I want to go to my boys soccer practice tonight.  I already feel like I miss so much of their lives right now....so to the dark side of cancer.

The physical effects from surgery and chemotherapy are expected.  It is understood that a person has physical limitations post mastectomy and then again from the toxic drugs given to kill any hiding cancer cells.  The darker side for me is not just the physical, but the emotional as well.  Am I depressed....oh yeah.  Especially this time of my chemo recovery.  I have addressed that with medication and hope it will make a difference soon.  But beyond depression, I carry such GUILT!!!  Guilt for not being able to do things I took for granted before....housework, my job, driving, cooking, taking care of my sons.  My cancer has disrupted the lives of not only my direct family, but also that of my friends, co-workers, and extended family.  I know all help given to us by these amazing people is given willingly and with love.  But, I also know their lives are also being put on hold to help us.  Tim and I will never ever come close to being able to repay the multiple forms of kindness and love we have been given.  Even with the help given freely and unconditionally, I feel guilt.  My children....oohhh.  The guilt there is indescribable.  I feel I am missing so much by being on the sidelines to take care of myself.   They are being well cared for in a pretty consistent schedule.  My boys are having more time with their grandparents than ever before.  And lucky for me, my mom and mother-in-law respect and understand our parenting boundaries and continue them with the boys.  But, that leaves me not being a parent to my sons.  For now.  I know the point is so I can be there for them later by  taking treatment to get better now.  I know that in 5 or 10 years hopefully my boys will not even remember this time in their lives.  But it still kills me to miss time and activities with them....guilt is a bad thing.  I tell myself I should just be stronger and get over it and be there...but sometimes it is so hard. 

The other dark side of cancer is FEAR!!!  Fear that after doing all this, my cancer will come back.  The recurrence rate of triple negative is highest the first three to five years.  So in the back of my head is the fearful doubt that all of this will be, ultimately, for nothing.  As I have said, I am not going without a fight.  But I have cancer.  Cancer kills people.  Those are the facts.  I do not intend for cancer to kill me.  I have too much life left in me.  I am not so tired or depressed that the option of giving up is even there.  Just that little pebble of doubt can sometimes surface when I feel the worst.  And I have to live with that knowledge.  I just try to throw it in my trash pile when it surfaces. 

Well, now I have successfully upset people.  Sorry, this is the point of the blog for me.  I use it as a forum to update people on my status and well being.  I also use it as a means to vent and purge upsetting thoughts and realities.  I am a type who feels better to say what is on my mind.  Then it is gone and done.  The sun is shinning outside and soccer practices await.  I am off to try and enjoy a wedding cake cupcake from Gigi's cupcakes sent from a good friend and co-worker yesterday.  Next time I shall be feeling more myself.  But I can not lie and say cancer is all roses and cheer.  There are dark sides that I am having to live and deal with.  It just feels better for me to let those feelings out. 

Thanks

Girls Day At "The Spa"

I do not know if I have mentioned here before just how much I despise going to the oncologists office, either for check ups or for chemo.  The atmosphere there is just so depressing and scary.  There are so many people there and a lot of them are older or in much worse shape than me.  It is just the saddest place to be.  The night before chemo I always get an anxiety attack.  The dread just envelops me.  By the day of my chemo, I am over it and just do what has to be done.  My doctor's office tries to compensate...the decor is nice and comfortable.  Plenty of friendly staff.  There are just too many sick people there, and we all know why they are there.  So here is the point to this:

Yesterday, my day of hell chemo turned into a little spa day.  I was lucky enough to have my two girls from work, Diane and Jennifer, with me the whole appointment.  Needless to say, I was there a long time.  Wait times at the clinic are horrendous.  So, we three who have known and worked with each other for almost 20 years spent the time catching up, laughing, telling stories.  It was so easy for me to forget the anxiety and where I was.  Once Diane joined Jen and I the time flew so much faster.  It helped to also visit with a pharmacist who works at the clinic.  We all three worked with her off and on over the last 15 years.  I do no think my girls truly understand just how much their time with me meant.  It made a very depressing and dreaded event turn into one of fun, friendship, and laughter.  So with all of my heart I thank them.

Now I am just waiting for my dreaded side effects to kick in.  I figure I have about another hour before I start to feel bad for the rest of the night.  Generally, nights are harder for me than day.  I start my days later than normal and end up in pajamas by about 5 every night.  Sitting on the sidelines watching my family do dinner, baths, and bed.  By Saturday, I expect to feel the worst.  But, this is my last time with this chemo.  Praying the next chemo is a little nicer to me.  On a bright side, I don't have to shave any more.  It also takes me 15 minutes tops to shower, dress, and go.  I do not feel I look that much different than I did before cancer, at least in an outward appearance.  I have not lost much weight(unfortunately...I was hoping for at least 50 but now just 8 pounds are off).  There are many possitives for me right now.  Half way done....trying to stay positive.  Hope everyone has a great weekend.

And The Fun Continues....

I am home.  The Roberts family successfully made it back to Memphis from our amazing Gulf Shores vacation.  Of course, we made it back to tornado sirens, rain, and flooding.  So glad we came back from the sun, sand, and water(not really).  It is actually weird the pattern that has formed with our family vacations.  We have young kids that do not yet attend school that you can not miss.  So, since Tim and I are blessed with A LOT of vacation time(compared to others)we have always enjoyed the ability to vacation while all the other kids in America are in school.  That means we have free roaming of pretty much anywhere we go...no line, no waiting, and some privacy so our young, active sons can express their excitement and not many people will witness those actions.  Anyway, we usually take our yearly beach trip to Gulf Shores every year in either April or May.  Last year, we left the week of the floods.  Needless to say, driving in that rain and wind scared me to death.  It was horrible.  And what was left over of what we escaped continued to flood Nashville while we sat on the sandy beaches and enjoyed the sun.  Then again this year we had the tornadoes to hit Alabama while we were gone and tons of rain and storms in Memphis as well.  Can't say that we missed that, BUT since my husband and his entire family lives in the Tuscaloosa or Birmingham area it was very upsetting to see the damage caused by Mother Nature.  Places my husband has known since he could remember are gone, for now anyway.  We consider our family very lucky that no one was hurt or had lost their home.  We were lucky.  I plan to continue that luck for my next chemo treatment tomorrow.

So, tomorrow I will officially be half way through my chemo treatment.  YEAH!!!!  It will be my last dose of the AC combo I have been getting that have been giving side effects that last longer and just get worse.  But, the beach helped me to forget(for a little while) that I have cancer.  Don't get me wrong, I spent the first part of my beach trip coughing, vomiting, and resting.  I still enjoyed the scenery, food, and my family.  Just not to the extent of any previous trip.  I love the ocean....the sounds and smells.  It calms me.  Sitting out on the balcony at night, listening to the waves I had a little bit of peace over everything.  I still do not enjoy having cancer...not even close.  I do, however, accept my life to this point.  I will continue to battle so that I can have many, many more vacations with my family.  I will not give in, no matter how I feel to cancer or the drugs that kill it, to not living my life.  I will not slow down.  I will not miss more than I absolutely have to.  Yes, I will take care of myself and listen to my body.  I will also find an acceptable balance of my new life with cancer.  As the last AC drips in my system, I will close my eyes and remember the views from our balconly and try to hear the waves to calm my nerves.

Three treatments down, number four to go tomorrow, then only four more total treatments left after that. I will begin a whole new drug and new side effects to go with that. I am glad to be at this point..seeing a light far away in a very dark and scary tunnel. Until next time....
And please forgive any incorrect spelling. By adding photos, I lost my ability to spell check and my chemo brain spelling could be anything.