Well, I am half way through my chemo. I have hit the days when I feel the worst. At least by now I know what to expect. That does not mean I am happy to be feeling the physical effects of chemo. My comfort zone of knowing what to expect will all change next week when I start my new chemo drug...Taxol. My doctor says most patients, especially women, prefer the Taxol because I may have the same side effects but milder in feeling. Of course, some patients on my same chemo regimen say the Taxol is totally different in effects with exhaustion being the absolute worst. So, back to the unknown for me. Right now, I am just fighting to make it to Thursday when I expect to see a light at the end of this tunnel of physical discomfort.
I consider myself lucky. My great support system of family and friends helps me make it through these physically demanding times. My worst feeling is not nausea. No it is the vomiting and gag-reflex coughing I experienced when I was pregnant. The girls at work remember all to well my gag reflex cough. Exhaustion also plays a roll, but when added to the addition of nausea/vomit medications I can sleep for 15 hours. Like today, I went to bed last night at 10PM and woke up at 12:30PM. I am fighting taking my phenergan(the sleep nausea drug) because I want to go to my boys soccer practice tonight. I already feel like I miss so much of their lives right now....so to the dark side of cancer.
The physical effects from surgery and chemotherapy are expected. It is understood that a person has physical limitations post mastectomy and then again from the toxic drugs given to kill any hiding cancer cells. The darker side for me is not just the physical, but the emotional as well. Am I depressed....oh yeah. Especially this time of my chemo recovery. I have addressed that with medication and hope it will make a difference soon. But beyond depression, I carry such GUILT!!! Guilt for not being able to do things I took for granted before....housework, my job, driving, cooking, taking care of my sons. My cancer has disrupted the lives of not only my direct family, but also that of my friends, co-workers, and extended family. I know all help given to us by these amazing people is given willingly and with love. But, I also know their lives are also being put on hold to help us. Tim and I will never ever come close to being able to repay the multiple forms of kindness and love we have been given. Even with the help given freely and unconditionally, I feel guilt. My children....oohhh. The guilt there is indescribable. I feel I am missing so much by being on the sidelines to take care of myself. They are being well cared for in a pretty consistent schedule. My boys are having more time with their grandparents than ever before. And lucky for me, my mom and mother-in-law respect and understand our parenting boundaries and continue them with the boys. But, that leaves me not being a parent to my sons. For now. I know the point is so I can be there for them later by taking treatment to get better now. I know that in 5 or 10 years hopefully my boys will not even remember this time in their lives. But it still kills me to miss time and activities with them....guilt is a bad thing. I tell myself I should just be stronger and get over it and be there...but sometimes it is so hard.
The other dark side of cancer is FEAR!!! Fear that after doing all this, my cancer will come back. The recurrence rate of triple negative is highest the first three to five years. So in the back of my head is the fearful doubt that all of this will be, ultimately, for nothing. As I have said, I am not going without a fight. But I have cancer. Cancer kills people. Those are the facts. I do not intend for cancer to kill me. I have too much life left in me. I am not so tired or depressed that the option of giving up is even there. Just that little pebble of doubt can sometimes surface when I feel the worst. And I have to live with that knowledge. I just try to throw it in my trash pile when it surfaces.
Well, now I have successfully upset people. Sorry, this is the point of the blog for me. I use it as a forum to update people on my status and well being. I also use it as a means to vent and purge upsetting thoughts and realities. I am a type who feels better to say what is on my mind. Then it is gone and done. The sun is shinning outside and soccer practices await. I am off to try and enjoy a wedding cake cupcake from Gigi's cupcakes sent from a good friend and co-worker yesterday. Next time I shall be feeling more myself. But I can not lie and say cancer is all roses and cheer. There are dark sides that I am having to live and deal with. It just feels better for me to let those feelings out.
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