I find it hard to believe that I only have ONE MORE CHEMOTHERAPY WAITING FOR ME!!!!! It seems to me I have been fighting cancer and having treatments a lot longer than 4 months. This cancer has taken over my life completely, and it seems I have always had it. Tim saw a picture of me at work and said how beautiful I was. Well, I reminded him that picture was taken when I was 26 before he or our two children and cancer existed. Of course I looked beautiful....life had not kicked me in the butt yet. So now I have a goal. No, I can not look like I did at 26 but I can try to come close. I just need to find the energy to get back to ME!
They have books for parents....the "What to Expect..." series. It helps parents understand their pregnancy, then the first year of life. I even think they have a toddler version now. I need a "What to Expect When You Finish Chemotherapy" book. I could have even appreciated the "What to Expect When You Have Chemotherapy", but now I am almost finished with that road. I have 8 more days of Chemo #7 to surprise me with side affects then the last bang. I just have been so focused on these treatments and how they have physically, mentally, and emotionally depleted me that I have not thought much ahead to the after. That is so not like me. I am a planner, big time. Now as I sit at home alone with nothing but time these last few days, I am beginning to wonder just how much uphill I have to face yet.
Pressure...I put plenty of it on me without outside help. There are some people(not me) who think with the last drop of Taxol in my blood next Wednesday I will be better. I will have no more toxic drugs affecting me and my body so back to it I should go. Well, I know that will not happen. These drugs will still be in my system, I just don't know how long. I just wonder at what point will my body begin to heal and I along with it. I so want to not be breathing heavy just because I climbed a flight of stairs. I want to not have to rest and plan how to expend my energy because I only have so much. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO WALK LONGER THAT 5 MINUTES AND NOT LIMP OR BE IN PAIN. In other words, I do want my 26 year old self back. Just, how do I do that. How long will it take for me to function like I did before March 5, 2011?? I do not have to go back to work until September 5th. That gives me 2 months to rest, heal, and hope for a better physical me. Is that enough time? Or am I still going to be feeling effects of drugs from months ago? That thought scares me so much.
Today is the ribbon cutting ceremony at my place of employment for the grand re-opening after a remodel of almost 2 years. I plan on being there. Not in a work capacity, Tim gets to do that. I plan on being there as a customer and as an almost 19 year employee. I will see my co-workers and enjoy their company for a while. I will see a lot of Tim's co-workers as well as bosses(he has a lot). Some people have not seen me since I went in hiding in March. Others have. Either way, I will be there and stay as long as I can. My plan is to rest today and stay off my feet so I can walk and socialize tonight. I never would have thought I would have to plan my days of physical activity. So sad. But, I am almost done and can not wait. I will accept whatever the physical future holds, and push as much as possible to get back what I once had. Who knows, maybe I will write that "What to Expect After Chemotherapy" book anyway......
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